Snape's Sorrow

Chapter 9

Authors Note: Hey guys! Sorry this took so long but I was having a bit of an issue with it. Sorry that it's not that long! I can't remember what happens after the Death Eaters destroy Lovegood's house so I have to go back and read that part of the book, soooo it may be a while till I upload chapter 10. Anywayyyy...here's chapter 9 :D Vote, Comment and share with your friends :D

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Snape wept for what felt like hours, but was only a matter of minutes. Still kneeling, he wiped his eyes and read Lily’s name over and over. The emptiness inside his heart felt heavier than before, and he guessed it was because of all the guilt he was feeling.

            “Why did you leave me Lily?” he questioned, anger growing within him. “Why! You’re son is just as bad as his father, perhaps even worse. He never obeys the rules. He’s nothing more than a trouble maker. Just. Like. His. Father.  Why Lily? Why did you have to choose James over me?”  The tears welled up in his eyes again, but he held them back. He wouldn’t cry.  Instead he stood up and looked at the cold, grey, gravestone. He manifested a single Lily and placed it on top of the gravestone.

            “Goodbye, my love.” He whispered, and then apparated back to his study, glad to find everything the way he had left it. He went and sat at his desk, anger and annoyance flowing through him. Why? Why did Dumbledore have to choose him for the job? Why did he call Lily a mud blood in the first place? He sighed. If he had never called her a mud blood that night, then maybe things would have changed. Snape slammed his fist against the desk, cussing at himself. Dumbledore was dead, and yet he still felt like a pawn in his foolish game. He thought back to that night when he argued with Dumbledore, the night that he died. If only he had spent that time questioning Dumbledore about what he wanted him to do instead of telling him that he wanted out. Snape rested his head on his desk, revisiting that memory despite the fact that he hated it.

            The sun was going down and the night creatures were getting ready to awaken. Snape walked up to Dumbledore’s office, determined to tell him that he was done being his spy. That he refused to do what he asked. He was no murderer and he wanted out.

            “Ah, Severus. There you are. I was just about to call for you.” Dumbledore said as Snape stormed in.

            “I am not some servant to which you can call.” Snape bitterly replied.

            “Why the sour mood today, Severus? I would think you’d be relieved that your task is almost over?”

            “Murdering someone is not something I take pleasure in.”

            “Really? Yet you were willing to let Harry and James die in order to save Lily? That is no different that murder.”

            “Don’t bring that up!” Snape yelled. “Don’t you dare! And it obviously didn’t work because Lily is dead!”

            “Yes, Lily is dead. So let’s move off that topic and get down to business. You know what you have to do?” Dumbledore asked, waving off the fact that he was the one who brought that topic up in the first place.

            “Yes. And I refuse to do it. I will not let you die by my hand.”

            “But you would let me die by Draco’s?” Snape stayed silent. “You see why it has to be you who kills me, right? Draco’s soul is still together, still fragile.”

            “And my soul Dumbledore? What of my soul?”

            “Your soul is already broken I’m afraid.”

By this time, Snape had lost it. The anger had boiled up inside of him and he couldn’t stop himself from shouting, “ Have you ever even considered that you ask too much? Have you even considered that I don’t want to do this anymore? That I am sick and tired of being a stupid pawn in your game?! Because I am,” Snape said, the anger clear in his voice, “I’m sick and tired of it Dumbledore.”

            “Whether you are sick and tired of it is irrelevant. You already promised Severus, and you can’t take that back.  Maybe you should have thought of that beforehand.” Dumbledore answered, not bothering to look at him. Snape looked at Dumbledore, hatred pulsing through him. He roughly turned on his heal and stormed out of  Dumbledore’s office and back to his study, where he slammed the door shut and paced through the room some more. He didn’t want to do this anymore. He was tired of being a pawn in Dumbledore’s game. He was sick and tired of not having a say at how he lived his own life.  He wished that this nightmare would soon be over.

He woke to the sound of rustling coming from outside his door. He didn’t bother to open it, he was too tired. He went over to his bed and tried to get some sleep, although he knew that the guilt that he felt right now would keep him up throughout the night.