The Ghost We Left Behind

The child of abandonment

I have no memory of you and yet, I miss you so much.
I don't know if you ever loved me, I don't know if we would have been very good partners.

You should have been my first love, but you left before my brain even grasped the contours of your face.

Dad.

I am happy to have you as a father, even though I never really had you. You were always there when we were in need, even if you were never there when I needed you.

You should have been my first love, the first man I would have slept in the arms of, the first one who should have said "I love you" to me.

You were too busy sleeping in the arms of your little princesses, making me the outcast, the abandoned child.

I would have surely loved you with that true love, which now no longer exists in me. All I wanted was you... And I searched for your gaze in everyone I met.

Dad.

I loved you with that sincere, pure love. I loved you more than I could have loved anyone else, I gave you everything I had, and I could have given you even what I didn't have. You were my first love, but you left too... You also preferred someone else.

I know it won't end here; you will all prefer someone else. I am not good enough; I have had enough examples. I don't have a say in it, you can't force love, attention, or even affection.

I am alone and I will probably stay that way, because I am the child of solitude... I am the child of abandonment.