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18

as I watch jisung sitting down on a chair next to his father on the event we are on right now, I wonder what I would do in his situation.

I was never that much of an empathic person, my family and friends know that too well.
whenever they told me about their problems, they knew well that I wouldn't provide empathy or some sweet talk to calm them down, they knew that I would just listen, without trying to solve their situation.

I'm not much of a crier either.
sometimes I feel guilty about it.

I was probably around eight or nine when my great grandmother died, and I didn't cry that much.
honestly, I'm pretty sure I forced myself to cry so that it looked like I care.

it's not that I didn't care, I did.
I lived with my grandparents and great grandmother for a while, and I've seen her every day.
I loved her.
I just couldn't bring myself to cry.

maybe I was just a child and didn't properly understand the situation.
or I was just messed up from the childhood.

jisung sometimes took glances at me, and I knew it was because he wanted to make sure I was still there with him, and that I didn't leave him to fend for himself.
whenever our eyes locked, I gave him a small reassuring smile, knowing that it comforted him, just a little bit.

this event was hosted by the choi family, and by the things I saw and heard, the choi family and mr. han are really serious business partners.
seriously, they have so many projects together.
according to jisung.

speaking about jisung, he has become something like a celebrity. considering the fact that his father is a person who is almost everywhere and his business is really famous with a good name, a new face of the so famous firm was quickly a big topic.

of course it was, no one ever heard about jisung.
no one knew jisung even existed.

jisung doesn't even know how big of a news he actually is. he's practically cut from the society and social media, and in my opinion, it's for the best.
he's already stressed about the fact that this is going to be his everyday life soon, and knowing how much attention he's getting online, he would probably collapse.

so I'm not going to tell him.
even tho I'm sure he will find out soon, and when he eventually does, I will be there by his side to hold him.

I'm not able to be next to jisung here, because only the important people are able to sit by the table, so I'm standing on the side with other servants, personal assistants, and bodyguards.

to be honest, I'm kinda bored, and I would eat something.
but knowing jisung, I'm pretty sure he will sneak a small piece of the dessert for me.
he's my little ratatouille.

I have been thinking about my weird feelings for jisung a lot, and I have come to the conclusion that I, in fact, feel something special towards him.

I'm his bodyguard, I'm supposed to keep him safe, safe from other people, and from himself.
but even if it wasn't my job, I would want to do it, I would feel the need to protect him and keep him safe, be his shoulder to cry on, and the pillar he needs to lean against sometimes.

in conclusion, I would do everything for han jisung.
and not because it's my job, but because of my feelings.

yet, as much as I would love to show my feelings to jisung, I need to keep them hidden.
we aren't meant to be together.
the universe is not in our favor.
and im forced to live with that fact.

as I watch mr. choi get up from his seat to thank his guests for coming and say some words that no one actually gives shit about, I'm thinking about the fact that soon, jisung will be in his position.
and frankly, I can't imagine it.

jisung is a quiet introvert who keeps to himself and enjoys his piece, while wearing loose shirts and comfortable clothes.
he's also socially awkward because of the isolation, and he doesn't see much of a people from the outside world.

mr. choi is the complete opposite. you can see he enjoys the company of his hundred guests, and that he likes that all of their attention is on him right now. his white very expensive looking suit is tailored to perfection, with a thought for the small details. you can see from his speaking that he isn't new to this, and that he's confident.

he can't be jisung.
jisung can't be him.

and I see it on jisungs face that he knows it. he's looking at mr. choi with his doe eyes, and I know perfectly well what's going on in his mind.

he's envious.
he envies that mr. choi isn't afraid to speak with other people, that his voice is so loud and confident, he has charming face, and charming clothes.
he's too perfect, something jisung himself can never be.

but it's not true.
in my eyes, jisung is the most beautiful, special, and perfect person in this whole world, and nothing can change that.

I have seen his bad side. I have seen his demons. in his head, he's fighting with himself, and it hurts him. he's vulnerable, broken, and damaged, yet, he's the most perfect being.
and that's because he's han jisung.
my han jisung.
that's what makes him special and so perfect.

he isn't mr. choi, and he isn't his dad either.
he's him.
he's that quirky socially awkward person, with the sweetest heard anyone possess.

so even when I know he will have to act like mr. choi someday, I will know.
I will know this isn't him.
and I will always be here to remind him that.
because I love him just the way he is.
and nothing and no one can change that.