I love you to death.

Chapter 5: Lies Lies Lies

The cold air of the night clung to my skin long after we left the bonfire. Presley and Josie had barely said a word since the walk back to the car and I was grateful for the silence. My mind was in a million places at once. Everything Caitlynn said was burning into me like she may as well have tattooed the word "Murderer" on my forehead. They think I killed him, They think I am hiding something.

It was Hudson's face that was burnt into me the most. His laugh. His smile. The way he used to brush my hair with his fingers when he was not paying attention. I could feel him slipping away with every day that passed, but I could not let go. Not yet. Not when the truth is still up inside me like a knot that could not be undone.

The car ride home was quiet. Josie drove because Presley was pissed off that Jessie did not see her at the fire, but instead was talking to another girl. In one hand, her phone. spamming him with texts, the other rested on my shoulder. A wordless gesture of comfort. I knew she wanted to beat the shit out of Caitlynn, which was rightfully deserved.

The moment we pulled into the driveway and I seen my mom on the phone, standing on the deck. I knew something was off about her. I knew she was talking to her assistant.

I walked into the house and the walls felt too close. It felt like the air supply was not enough. I felt like I was suffocating, possibly even drowning. I needed space. I needed air. I needed him.

I rushed upstairs to my room and slammed the door shut, my chest as heaving as I leaned against it. The memories of Hudson flooded me- Our last conversation. The way he kissed my forehead, telling me he loved me. He was alive. And now the world was different. Without him, it was colder, darker.

I crossed the room to my bed, and threw a pillow off my bed. I gazed at the other one, remembering how his head used to lay when we would stay up late talking.

"Hudson, why did you have to leave me?"

my voice was breaking and my throat felt super dry.

A shiver ran down my spine, and for a second the room was different. I felt like I was being watched. I looked up, my heart pounding in my chest.

And there he was.

Hudson.

Standing by the window, his just as I remembered- Soft, kind, but there was more in his eyes. Sadness, Grief.

I blinked in disbelief and called out his name again. He did not say anything, he didn't move. He just stood there, watching me, His expression was confusing. My body went cold, panic rose in my chest. This was not possible. This is not real. Was I drugged at the fire? I couldn't have been because I did not have anything to drink. What the actual fuck is happening?

I scrambled to my feet, but the moment I reached out to touch him. He disappeared. In the blink of an eye, I was alone. It was silent except for the sound of my heavy breathing.

I collapsed back onto my bed. The tears from my eyes were falling onto my bedspread. My hands shook as I pressed them against my face, trying to make sense or remotely even understand what had just happened. It was no use.

I was not just losing Hudson, I was losing myself.

When he died, A part of me died and he took it with him.

A sudden knock on the door jolted me from my thoughts.

"Jaclyn?" It was Josie's voice, hesitant"

"I am fine!" I yelled back, my voice, shaky.

I was not fine, I felt like I was falling apart and no one could even begin to understand my emotions.

I don't know why I thought my mother would understand me, I walked out of the room and pushed passed Josie, wiping my eyes. I was not sad anymore. I was angry. Furious.