Mabel's Destiny

The Aftermath

The divorce wasn't as rough as I thought it would be. At first Kobe was very upset even though he understood why this was my choice. This man who is an amazing parent, a loyal and compassionate friend to others, a true example of a perfect man. I have loved this man for so long and I'm not sure how to not love him. I look at our baby and see him. My kitchen isn't the same without him laughing with me when we would cook. In fact, it's quiet now. The entire house is quiet, except for when Mabel is playing or needing attention.  I rearranged the master bedroom so it wouldn't remind me so much of Kobe. His scent is fading away and it makes me sad.
Everything makes me sad. I find it hard to be in my house even when I'm playing with Mabel. She makes me happy, but the sadness feels stronger. I pull her into bed with me some days and we hang out there for half that day before we make it to the living room. Kobe has agreed to help me whenever I need and he treats Mabel and I extremely well. One thing I have really appreciated through this divorce process is how much Kobe remained involved with Mabel's wellbeing. Every appointment he attends and he sends gifts of all sorts even when we don't need anything.
He lives with her and his new baby and it makes me jealous that he's living the life we were supposed to live. How he can make their breakfast and wake up during the night for their baby. Although it makes me happy at the same time. Happy his other baby has two loving and devoted parents. The proper upbringing.
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Mabel is almost a year old now and it has been the hardest year. Having to hire help with the farm and also making time for her. I work two jobs just to help keep food on the table since it's not Kobe's job to pay for my groceries anymore. I'm embarrassed to admit that she eats a lot of spaghetti and pb&j sandwiches. At least she eats, even if I go hungry. I get a paid lunch at the second job, a part time secretary for the hospital. I often times eat a huge lunch of whatever the cafeteria is serving and steal small snacks to bring home for Mabel. Twice a week she goes to a daycare program and the others days she is with Kobe. She adores her sister and it's the best to see her smile light up. Kobe sure looks good with two toddlers on his lap.
We decided to combine the girls' birthday party and celebrate them both. Considering their close births and being separated, we wanted them to grow up together. Siblings were always an important part of having children for Kobe and I.
"Always give them siblings so they have a playmate." Is what we would hear often. Although I never umderstood why only having a single child was an issue. I see Mabel and couldn't imagine another person to share my love with.
The party was held at Kobe's house and the girls wore matching outfits that were purple and pink and read "We're One, What's Your Excuse?". Mabel couldn't walk too far without tumbling over her feet. I loved watching her toddler legs figure out the way of life. Darla is extremely mobile compared to Mabel. She could climb as well as run. Soon enough she should be talking in full sentences, according to her mom. Darla is in an advanced daycare and they push learning a little too hard in my eyes.
We decided to have the cake smashing and gift openings together before splitting up at four for the girls to nap before going home. It is nice she had a crib here so I didn't have to haul her pack n play out of the car. Bad enough trying to get a toddler, her bag and gifts out. After the girls were down we all decided to say goodbye to the guests and I helped clean up the kitchen.
"Can you believe how different a year has been?" I heard his voice from around the doorframe.
"No, it's been an exhausting ride. One I'm thankful I got onto, but god I'm exhausted. How are you? How's life been over here?"
This might have been the longest conversation with Kobe that didn't actually involve Mable.
"It's been tiring. Trying to keep up with both of their needs as well as making sure you and Mabel are okay. Are you guys doing alright?" Kobe asked with a look in his eye that I could tell meant he was asking purely out of concern.
"Yeah, I mean we're getting by. Working both jobs and taking care of her is a lot to handle, but it gets done what I need." I tell him while trying to keep quiet about my failing.
" I told you to let me give you money, I have it. Let me pay you for how amazing you are to our daughter. Here, take this and get some good meals and maybe even pay a bill or two." He tried to hand me a stack of money but I shoved it away.

It was going to be a long road ahead for us, but I don't need his money to make my life mean something. As much as it is needed, I refuse to stand here and let him think it makes it okay.
"No thank you. I have it handled. You need to keep your money or invest it into the savings for the girls." It's the easiest way of saying I have it handled when I'm really scared I'll lose everything I dreamed for. Yet, looking at him right now, I'd have done it all again.
   To love him in this form is the worse. He's with a woman he cares for and actually loves. He raised two beautiful girls. Just sometimes, why wasn't I good enough?
   "No honestly, please take it and make sure you can eat, too." He places the money into my hands that I now have tucking into my armpits. Can he tell I'm as broken as I have ever been?
I sigh outloud as I accept the cash. I have to be a disappointment in his eyes. How pathetic, can't be a good enough wife to stay married too. Add on how I can't provide for my child alone. What a failure.