sin? or love?

Chapter 1: Gracie Johnson.

Story events begins approximately Feb 12th, 2023-January 13th,2024

*10 years ago*

..............

The sounding of the clapping and joyful shouts of "Amen" snapped me back to reality. Guilt and shame spread across my cheeks and face as I clapped my hands trying to pretend as if i did not have unholy thoughts with a specific someone in mind.

I swallowed hard and stood up, glancing at the clock and realized that church has ended. Shoot. I was daydreaming for about 20 minutes max, and I know this because the last time I actually paid attention was when the worship team were performing the last song.

I chewed my lip as I watched people greet my parents and I offered them a smile in return as they admire the pastor's children, also known as me and my two younger siblings. It wasn't that the sermon was boring, it was just that my mind kept drifting off to a certain someone...a certain person...a certain *girl*.  Pink tinted my cheeks again at the thoughts. Yes, I know...I know according to the bible somewhere that being gay is sin. Technically I am not really, I am just closeted.

But if gay is a sin..., why is it that it feels so heavenly, so good. Being a closeted Bisexual girl in a deeply religious family and as first-born child of a pastor is truly a canon event. The homophobic is so disgusting that I just keep quiet. I truly wonder at times if there are people who face a similar or exact situation I am in. 

Don't get me wrong, yes, I think I am slowly in the right track of accepting myself for who I am, but I am also deeply religious as a person. I love God. I truly do. And... if having a conversation with him on a table or being by his side after I die means I should avoid my feelings for the same gender, then so be it. It's not toxic, it's an internal battle that I face.

I just wish...that I could have both in my life. Being free and loving who I want while serving God and being a holy child too, but I can't can I? Not in this generation or society where you get seen as a demonic creature for loving the same sex.

and then I feel it, a small shake again on my shoulders.

I looked up and it was my mom, Juliana Johnson. "Gracie, do you not feel well? You have been staring at the wall for too long" she placed her hand on my forehead but i took it down gently and smiled softly. "Yes mummy, I am okay, just tired" Same words. Same lie. Worked every day of my life as first-born daughter. "hm... okay take your siblings to the car; your dad and I will just be there in 5 minutes". I did as she asked knowing fully that 5 minutes means 40, minutes.

African parents are not serious.

Luckily my two younger siblings are both teens. One is 14, Jeremiah, the middle and introvert boy who stays in his room all day and plays video games. But who blames him? and my youngest sibling and sister, Faith,13 years who's just a bubbly 13-year-old girl. Shes extrovert-introvert, so ambivert at any day who loves writing poems. I could say she's just like me when it comes to writing and reading because those are my passions. 

Although, I know she tries hard to be like me. Looks up to me so much ever since she could read and write. And I wonder what is it that she admires about that I don't see? I never want to ask her because I know she's bias and probably using tinted rose eyeglasses. If only she could see me, The failure, average student, disappointing, disgusting, shameful, ungodly child of God, the sinner and the "abomination gay person". I swallowed hard and glanced at the two busy on their phones. Jeremiah is playing his game, and Faith is reading a book online.

I love them so much. It hurts when I often feel so much guilty when I yell at them and use my anger issues on them. It's not fair and it's not right. I promise to do better. Just because my dad treats me like that, acts like a dad instead of a father to me doesn't mean I should be his version to them. I wouldn't want that upon my kids anyway at all.