sin? or love?

Chapter 3: Gracie Johnson.

Trigger warning:

⚠️Mentions of SH (self-harm)

⚠️physical abuse

As I stood by the school exist watching parents pick up their children, I was deep in thoughts while I decided to wait for my own.  School was over but I couldn't stop replaying the cold look Jasmine gave me back in class. I swallowed hard. I didn't mean to react like that when she found me in the bathroom. I was just being defensive. I did not want anyone to discover the scars on my wrists or mark on my face.

Thank heavens, she did not look at my fingers that was desperately using the sleeves of my jacket to hide them. I sighed. I can't believe I had a panic attack today and the worst part is that I don't know if what caused or triggered it. But a part of me is a bit happy that someone came to check up on me and it wasn't just someone. It was Jasmine Quinn.

The girl I had a crush on for a long enduring year. Battling with myself and the truth. The truth which I am scared to admit because I am a child of God. Besides being gay is a sin huh? So, they said. Everyday. For the past year. I always question my sexuality. I will usually convince that i am straight. That I only like boys. I forced myself to like them, but it always leads to Jasmine.

Every time I am around her, I can't breathe. Every time I am around her, my head and heart are consumed by her. Lust drowns in my head and that's one of the sins. Deadly right?  It's not her, that's the sin. It's the concept of loving the same sex. But why? It's love.

Shouldn't who we love not matter as long as we still serve God? or as long as we do not distance ourselves from God? I just don't understand. Every time there's a sermon regarding the verse that indicate the spirit of homosexuality, I don't know whether I feel ashamed of being gay or ashamed that everyone will cast me aside when they know.

Because they will know eventually. The prophets? The pastors? The bishops? They will all know and that is my greatest fear. It shouldn't be my fear. It should be an acceptance or an embrace to who I am but surely no believers believe that right? So, I hide. I hide forever. Besides, even if I do like Jasmine, there's no way we can date.

We can never date because I will always put God above anyone. I can't love someone whose life isn't centered around God. I can't betray God. Even if it means I will never be in love or love again. So be it. God is love. Love is God. But it's not easy at all. 

At times I cry to myself for being this way. I feel this burden of being gay among a religious family and I am religious myself too. I find myself praying to God to change me too because the stress of marrying a boy, dating a boy and remaining holy is a challenge I fight every day.  I truly wish I had someone to talk too. But I have no one. Everyone will judge and I am pretty sure Jasmine sees me as a rude bitch now.

I can't tell my childhood friends, majority straight. My parents would drown me if I told them. My brother would never look at me the same. My sister, Faith. I swallowed hard. She loves me too much, the least I can do is spare her from the pain and challenge I battle every day. So, it's just me. My best friend Paedyn moved overseas. She is the only one person who knew about this. She knew me inside out. I miss her so much, it physically pains. Luckily, we still communicate with each other, every single day.

I will call her tonight after doing my homework or during. She always knew how to distract me. Sometimes I wonder why God moved the person I could confide everything in away from me. But he has his reasons. I always understood it. The horn from the black Audi pulled me back into reality. It was my dad, picking us up. As I approached the car, my eyes averted to a familiar onyx eye color in a red car. I swallowed hard as we made eye contact. I couldn't read her facial expression, so I opened the car door and went in.