The Trail to Love and Loss

Daya

I was sorted into the group of women. The soldiers yelled something that I didn't understand, until the whips began to crack. They were moving us. I looked around, searching for my grandmother. My eyes fell upon panic stricken faces, women calling for loved ones, abandoned children. I turned away from the sight. I couldn't find my grandmother.

We marched and rode for days and days. I lost track of the time. The only thing I knew was that Grandmother, Asim, and his family had been prepared which I learned from eavesdropping. They had gone into hiding and had escaped the white men. I was relieved for them, but I was still scared about what would happen to Aluli, E do da, Athalia and me.

I sat atop Athalia's back. A white man sat astride the horse that was pulling her along. Every time the man turned his head, I would make faces and weird noises at him. When he turned around to look at me, I made the saddest expression my face could contain and I even cried fake tears. Obviously satisfied, he would turn back around and I would do it again. This was my only pastime. It allowed me a momentary break from the heartbreak and sadness around me until the weight hit me again with such a crushing blow that I would sometimes gasp from the physical pain of it.

We traveled on and on. I was occasionally allowed to talk to Aluli. On these occasions, I walked beside her, not wanting to talk down from Athalia's back. I asked her where we were, where we were going, and how long we had been traveling. She answered in blunt, short sentences, never making eye contact with me.

We were in a place unknown. We were going to a place called Oklahoma, and we had been traveling for four months.

Her mood filled me with dread. It was as if all the life had been sucked out of her. Her once bright eyes had gone dark; her shiny hair had turned tangled and brittle. Her shoulders slumped and her paced was slow. She looked dejected. I couldn't stand her like this. I needed my mother, not her empty shell. I felt my feet begin to drag on the ground. My head and heart grew heavy. I decided to leave her alone and continued to search for E do da from my high perch on Athalia's back.

He was nowhere to be found. People began to disappear overnight, causing panic amongst us. The soldiers were cruel and whipped us to keep us going. I asked Aluli more questions, much to her dismay. She said that people were dying of the sickness. We weren't prepared for this harsh winter and many were starving and growing weaker. Unable to keep up the strength to continue the journey, they wasted away and fell back from the group. They found their places in the barren landscape and just gave up, surrendering themselves to the deadly caress of winter. The soldiers would often leave a few behind to end some of my people's lives if they fell too far behind. Aluli said that five hundred at least had perished on this cruel journey.

The white soldiers said that we Cherokee were a nuisance to the settlers. I had no idea what nuisance was, but I could tell it was the source of the pure hatred they felt for my people. This I didn't understand. We had done nothing to them. We had been peaceful with the white folk. They were the ones who had stolen our land!

I asked Aluli one last question before I returned to Athalia one day. It was the last question I would ever ask her.

I asked her if she had the sickness. I asked if she was going to give up on life. On me. I asked her if she was going to leave me in this mess, this walk to death.

She looked up from the ground. It was the first time she had looked me in the eyes since the march had started. She said a single word.

"No," she paused and stared at the ground hard, then looked up again, her strength momentarily renewed, courage shimmering in her eyes.

"I can't. Your E do da is dead," She said after a while.

The truth struck me like the whip the white men used. E do da was dead, gone forever. I shook my head. Aluli reached out to embrace me, stopping in the middle of the marchers. I stepped back quickly, shaking my head rapidly.

"No," I said, my voice raspy and unrecognizable.

"NO!" I screamed loudly. My people just parted a walkway as I tore through the group, back to Athalia, back to my doll, back to the lies that were now my life. My brain refused to register the information. I couldn't accept the fact that E do da was dead. He couldn't be! I needed him! But, Aluli never lied. She especially didn't lie about such grave matters as this.

I ran up to Athalia and flung myself onto her back. I leaned over onto her neck, nestling my face into her wiry mane where I cried myself to sleep.