Jungkook's Diary

Session Two

I was looking forward to writing today because I thought that after the longest time, I could finally say that me and Taehyung were friends.

'Friends.'

Such a lame word when you associate it with someone you have been in love with for half your life.

Yet if friendship is all he could give me, then I would happily live out the rest of my days as his friend.

Because that would allow me to share a part of his life and that would be better than not having him at all.

But this hope that had flared in my heart, like a raging fire that refused to be contained, it wouldn't let me settle. I wait for the day when he would come to care for me, half or even a quarter of how much I love him. Until that day however, I would stand by his side and be his friend even if it broke my heart.

A few days ago when our conversations at breakfast led us to talking about our future, Taehyung talked so much about what he wanted to do and places he wanted to see. He spoke of getting married someday and having kids.

It butchered my heart to know how he viewed me as a temporary bump in his life especially when he was such a big part of mine.

He asked me what my plans were and I couldn't answer. What would I say? That he was it for me? That everything I had done up to this point was to be able to stand in his presence, as an equal? That I would never love another? That even the mere thought of tying myself to someone else made me cringe?

That ever since my heart has learned to recognise its own beats, it has only belonged to him? That it would only ever belong to him?

Would he ever comprehend the depth of my feelings for him?

I was dying to write this down, telling myself that even if I couldn't tell him, I would be able to show him through my actions and gestures just how much he truly means to me.

And then yesterday, when we were all playing around, I touched him. After so long, it felt like a gulp of clean cool water on hot summer day. I fell on top of him and every nerve ending in my body sang in harmony.

But then I realised, I never learn.

How am I supposed to be a good friend if I can't keep my hands off him?

He called me a creep.

And just like that, I was back in our wedding suite with him staring at me like I was a bug under his shoe.

So now here we are, back again where we started. Because I couldn't control myself. Because I keep making the same mistakes.

Because I cannot help being the way I am.

So what does Kim Taehyung make me feel?

He makes me feel like I'm disgusting.

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