Finn-ish What You've Started

Chapter 5

"Will I see you later at my football game then?"

"If by football you mean soccer, then yes you will." He lightheartedly shook his head.

"You Americans are so annoying sometimes. Has anyone ever told you that?"

"I've heard it once or twice. A random guy from England makes it a point to tell me at least once a day."

"I reckon whoever said that is very smart." He slowly began to make his way towards me and stopped when there was only about an inch between us.

"I don't think that I would go that far," I looked him in the eyes, "but I would say that they were quite nice to look at."

"Oh, would you?" He closed the gap between us, cupped my cheek in his hand, and leaned down to kiss me. No, this can't happen here. Not like this.

"Finn, we can't."

"Why not?"

"You know why."

"I don't. Explain it to me, yeah?" Finn took a step back.

"Lynn likes you."

"So do you." He had a point.

"I can't hurt her like that."

"But it's okay that she does it to you?"

"That's different." He shook his head.

"No it's not Cathy," he placed a stray piece of hair behind my ear, "you deserve to be happy just as much as she does. I've been watching you put your feelings aside for her, in more ways than one, and it's not right." He paused before speaking again. "I don't even like her, I like you."

I woke up with hot cheeks and butterflies in my stomach. If I had stayed asleep for a few more minutes, we probably would have kissed and become grossly in love. Why did I have to wake up at the most inopportune time? It was definitely a sign that I was not supposed to be dreaming about him.

Fuck. So much for having a day free of Finn.

I glanced at the clock as I unlocked my phone, 9:27 am, time to begin my morning routine of scrolling through social media. Okay Cathy, time to get your head out of the gutter and think about something else. After looking for a few minutes, I came across a post by a classmate from graduate school who got a new job in the field. Knots began to form in my stomach. I know I should be happy for her but I can't be because it makes me feel like shit about myself. Again, I'm silently left feeling like a disappointment and worthless.

Well, at least now I know what to do today.

Studying this material was no joke, especially when you aren't able to focus on it and you're doubting your ability to retain information. I can't understand how people do it. How do they remember everything and seamlessly use what they learned in everyday life? Why is it so hard for me but so easy for them? It shouldn't be this difficult because I love my field and I am so excited to work in it.

Why does my brain have to be so fucking defective in every single way?

No, we are not going down that road. It's dangerous and I don't have time for it today, there is too much to do. I have to immerse myself in studying because that will keep my mind busy. When my brain is occupied and I'm able to keep myself engrossed in something, I don't go to the place that holds the bad thoughts. And I just do not have time for that today.

I have three nail appointments to do tonight, starting at 4:30 pm, so my morning is going to be devoted to studying and getting my shit together. I grab my computer from the couch and head over to the dining room table, sitting in the chair that faces the TV because how am I supposed to focus without something on in the background? Without putting much thought into it, I put Bridgerton on (season 3 to be exact), and opened my computer that greeted me with a black screen.