Sage & Scars

1. ~❆Cold as Hell, But I'm Still here

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⇓ Thursday, October 22, 2018

〔 Zions POV;
Man, I been cold since that night. Ain't nobody told me what to do with this chill that just won't go away but then again I haven't told anyone. It's October now, 17 years old and my birthday was last month, September 18th,34 days ago and somehow, I still feel frozen like that night. And trust me, it ain't 'cause of the Chicago weather, either. Nah, this? This cold, it's inside me, like it's crawled under my skin and decided to stay there. I wake up every day, colder than the day before, like I'm driftin' further and further away from who I used to be but eventually I think I'll be ok, I hope I'll be ok, and eventually maybe the want to give up will disappear, It's just that, Trevon is coming back this semester because he's out of juvie and he's off suspension from a fight and multiple other things before he got arrested. I dont want to see him for real for real..I haven't seen him since that night.

I sit up in bed, feelin' the ache in my bones. My alarm clock's blaring, but I barely register it anymore. I been movin' through life like a ghost these past couple months, just goin' through the motions. I don't even look at the clock no more. Just get up, do what I gotta do, and keep it pushin'. Ain't much else to say about it.

I roll outta bed, feet hittin' the floor with a thud. My room is quiet, The first thing you see is my twin bed in the middle, draped with those green sheets I've had for years. They're soft, but the color's starting to fade a bit. The walls around me are a dark green too, almost blending into the bed, but I liked it that way. It makes the space feel like mine, like I'm hidden. Posters and pictures cover almost every inch,some of 'em of places I've never been but wanna go to one day. Others are just stuff I find beautiful, little reminders that there's something out there worth seeing.

Crystals and candles sit on my dresser, some scattered on the floor like everything else in here. I collected them myself over time, thought they might bring me some kinda peace or balance, but they're just here now. Same with the paintings propped up against the walls, half-covered by clothes and other junk.My room's a mess, but I don't have the energy to clean it.

like always, once I wake up I hear my mom's voice carryin' down the hall. She on the phone, talkin' 'bout me, like always. She never misses a chance to tell somebody 'bout what's goin' on with me.
Mainly the only thing i hear her talking about Trevon, she knows his mom and apparently all of the moms are talking about trevon failing the grade due to all his time in juvenille so hes back in 11th grade..with me

I slide on some jeans and my hoodie, but they don't fit right no more. I been losin' weight, and my clothes hang off me like they belong to somebody else. I slide on a pair of black ripped jeans, the kind with frayed holes at the knees that used to fit snug but now feel baggy around my legs. They hang low on my hips, even with the belt I've got on, almost like they're weighing me down. My hoodie's a dark forest green, oversized with a small Nike swoosh stitched on the chest, the kind of hoodie I used to love because it swallowed me up, but now it feels too big in a way I didn't want but its not like I could do anything about it. The sleeves fall over my hands, and the fabric just hangs there, all stretched out. I pull the hood up, hoping it'll cover how tired I look. I lace up my black and green Jordans, still creased from wear, but they're the freshest thing I've got. Even they don't feel like they fit right, My reflection stares back at me from the cracked mirror on my dresser. Dark circles under my eyes, skin lookin' pale, lips chapped as I put on some vaseline before sliding it into my bookbag, You never know when your going to be ashy. I ain't looked like myself in a while. I wonder if I was ever truly myself to begin with, I had no business going out that night..it's my fault