An Immortal Puma: An Absurdist Piece In Three Acts

Act The First: A Most Unusual Encounter

"Hello little lady, have you lost your way", said a deep sultry cougarlike voice behind Susan the chukar partridge.

"Oh, sorry, I didn't see you there", Susan stuttered coyly. "I was just out on a morning walk. It's a super nice day out today. Look. The sun is out. The birds are singing. The flowers are blooming"

"Hmmm. I do like the sound of that.", mused the cougar.

"You know what?", he whispered, his voice dropping to a low rumble. "It's a beautiful day outside."

"I know that already!", retorted Susan.

"Birds are singing, flowers are blooming", continued the cougar. "On days like these, lovely young partridge girls like you", here his voice dropped to a mere breath. "should be enjoying this day with me"

"Who the heck even are you?", asked Susan. "I've never seen you around these parts before"

"I am the Grand High Emperor Sage of the Mountain Council of Cougars and Other Pumaesque Felines of Unusually Large Sizes, or GHESMCCOPFULS", the cougar introduced himself with a certain grandeur. "But since this name is too hard for some tiny bird beaks like yours to pronounce, some call me...Neil"

"Well I didn't vote for you!" retorted Susan.

"You don't VOTE for Ghesmccopfuls", mansplained Neil.

"Well how'd you become Ghesmccopfuls?", asked Susan.

"Everyday, I got up in the morning at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, drank a cup of sulphuric acid, hunted twenty-nine hours a day, and payed the ex-Ghesmccopfuls for permission become to Ghesmccopfuls, and when I got home, everyday my Dad and my Mother would kill my, and dance about on my grave singing "Hallelujah.", Neil mansplained loudly.

"But why should I be enjoying this day with you, specifically", asked Susan, getting a bit suspicious of Neil.

"Don't you have any friends, little one?", smirked Neil.

"No, everyone hates me because I'm too fat for my own feathers", replied Susan with a depressed look on her face.

"Then I will be your friend", Neil offered with a charismatic grin.

"Oh thank you", bubbled Susan. "I've always wanted a friend."

"Then follow me to my den and I'll give you a special treat", Neil said, leading the way. "Do you go, eh, do you go?"

"Well, I sometimes go, like I'm doing right now as a matter of fact.", stated Susan

"I bet you do, I bet you do. Are you a sport?", asked Neil curiously.

"Well, I do like sports. As a matter of fact, I'm really fond of golf.", answered Susan

"Who doesn't? You like games, eh? Knew you would. You've been around a bit, eh, been around?", interrogated Neil.

"Uhhhhh", uhhhhed Susan doubtfully.