An Immortal Puma: An Absurdist Piece In Three Acts

Act The Second: The Javelina Warriors

"This is my summer den", explained Neil when they arrived. "You will not find my winter den as alluring. Do you want to come upstairs?"

"Beg pardon?"

"Do you want to come upstairs?", Neil asked sultrily.

"Nope", refused Susan.

"COME UPSTAIRS AT ONCE, YOUNG LADY AND ALLOW ME TO TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT YOU!", shouted Neil at the top of his large cougar lungs.

"AAAAAAAAAH!", squawked Susan, jumped up in a flurry of feathers, and tried to bolt for the door, but Neil was close behind.

"CRASH!", went the door suddenly. In burst Lloyd the peccary, Susan's good friend, along with his younger twin brothers.

"NOBODY EXPECTS THE JAVELINA WARRIORS!", he snorted loudly. "I am the High Head Chief of the Javelina Warriors, or the HHCJW but for those whose kitty tongues cannot pronounce the sacred name, you can call me...Lloyd. Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, and an almost fanatical devotion to King Pig, and a night out with the neighbor - Oh erh!"

"COMEON, YOU FILTHY SWINE! BRING IT ON ALREADY!", roared Neil, raring to defend his title. "AND BY THE WAY, YOUR NAME IS STILL HARD TO PRONOUNCE!"

"Yours too!" retorted Lloyd. "Too many vowels all smushed together in my tusks!"

"I'LL CLAW YOU TO DEATH!", roared Neil.

"You don't frighten us, you sexy kitty! Go and boil your bottom, son of a woman-beater. I snort at you, so-called Neil Emperor! SNORRRT! SNORRRT! SNORRT!"

"What a strange animal", remarked Neil in shock.

"I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed lady-killer! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a peacock and your father smelt of grapes!", Lloyd snorted ragefully.

"Headbutt,headbutt,headbutt,headbutt,headbutt,headbutt,headbutt,headbutt,headbutt,headbutt,headbutt,headbutt,headbutt,headbutt,headbutt,headbutt,headbutt,headbutt,headbutt,headbutt, lunch break, and headbutt!" Lloyd and his brothers sung out the Ancient and Sacred Attack of the Javelina Warriors, knocking Neil unconscious.

"Oh dear!", Susan exclaimed.

"Oh dear is right", Lloyd remarked. "It appears that I've killed Neil. The Ancient and Sacred Code of the Javelina Warriors state that we must not kill anybody while fighting them, and now it looks like I'm gonna be booted from my position as High Head Chief of The Javelina Warriors."

"Well, there's three things we can do", theorised Susan. "We can burn him, bury him, or dump in in the lake"

"Which one do you think is the best option?" Lloyd asked.

"Well they're both nasty. If we burn him, he gets stuffed in the flames, crackle, crackle, crackle, which is a bit of a shock if he's not quite dead. But quick.", explained Susan. "Or, if we don't want to fry him, you can bury him. And then he'll get eaten up by maggots and weevils, nibble, nibble, nibble, which isn't so hot if, as I said, he's not quite dead."

"Uh, I don't think so", said Lloyd, seeing that Neil had opened his eyes.

"OW!" he suddenly screamed in pain and fell down.

"Does this hurt?", asked Susan, touching various parts of his body to determine his ailment.

"Yes!" Lloyd cried in pain.

"Oh no!" gasped Susan. "You have...kidney failure! Both of your kidneys are gone"

"I'll donate a kidney!" Neil exclaimed groggily. "You know I always care best for the wellbeing of women!"