The unfortunate ramblings of a bored writer.

A singular note in a sea of songs

I never wanted to be a "bad" kid. when I was younger I remember my mother coming to my room and crying to me, making me promise to be nothing like my brother. my brother was the scapegoat, that I knew and was thankful for it not being me.

still, I would try to help him, maybe out of pity or guilt. me and my brother have a rocky relationship. but I can safely say that I will always be there for him even I know deep down that the things he'll be there for me are very sparse.

it seemed that with my whittling school attendance and bad mental health, my parents love has declined and I've unfortunately become the "bad" kid. maybe it is due to my parents close minded attitude towards my brother's actions and how he treated them - us - in addiction that they have perhaps become hardened, often mistaking my cries for help as ways of revenge.

I believe my brother is simply a good person that went down a bad path and now is trying to correct it. my parents, think that he's an idiot. that I cannot fault them for, due to their upbringing they refuse to see anything in colour.

I have been labelled as "bad" and as a result I truly have become a bad child. I see no point in entertaining people with positive notions who only agree to be entertained by the bad ones. I doubt that they ever stop to try and reason why I have done the things I did.

I cannot excuse my behaviour as I understand that some was just out of petty revenge. as a result I have become a hardened person. I now have very little value towards my own life.

when arguing with my parents over school I genuinely see no point. what point do I have to exist if I cannot be enough for them, enough for anyone.

I cannot entertain like my brother, capture others with exilerating stories nor can I give them the same charasmatic spark when I talk to them. I fear that I am plane and boring. often a forgotten afternote of a song that is coming to an end.

I struggle with attending school, although, it is nothing wrong with the school. but I cannot seem to face people, to allow them to know that I am not as exciting as the rest of the world. that I cannot please them in the same way that I can not please my parents.

whenever I try my parents always seem to focus on the bad things, unfortunately, like the rest of the world, they are pestamistic people. I am a product of my environment.

and although I can hide my loneliness with bombarding myself in my room and giving out smiles whenever I talk to people, I have yet to find multiple people that genuinely wants to be around me and not have me as an afternote in their same song.

I have very few friends, those I hold dear to my heart. but even then I am often caste away. I know that for them, it is probably for the best. no one would like to hear a singular note in a song when there are so many more colourful and flourishing songs that river through others.

so I wait, I wait in my room for someone to see me as a song instead of a note. but I worry, I worry that if they saw me as a song, how long would it take for them to see through my beautifully crafted lyrics and into the one singular note that I truly am.

my note is one of dispear and of guilt. I am guilty for who I have become, for that of the child who believed her life to be so much more than it truly is.

I cry for that child, the child who's song was so melodic and loud and has now been reduced into a singular and soft note.