Before I Knew You

Part 4

They told me that I could go home but had to take it easy. I had mom take me to the hotel and assured her I would be fine and to please just leave me alone until I was ready to deal with it. After a nap to sleep off the rest of the drugs I woke, and it was dark outside.

I headed out the door almost on instinct and straight to my spot. It hurt to move but I ignored it and pushed myself. I needed the serenity of my spot. I still hadn't heard from HD and now I didn't even have my baby. I sat in the sand and pulled my knees up to my chest while I tried not to hyperventilate. I screamed at the top of my lungs when someone touched me. "Shh sweetheart. It's just me." I heard HD say.

I was dumbfounded, "What are you doing here. Please just go away. Where were you when I needed you? I called you. I needed you. My baby is gone!"

He pulled me into a hug, "I know sweetheart. I know. I'm here now. I couldn't answer when you called, and I feel horrible about it but I'm here and I'm never leaving you."

I tried to push away, "Until you do. Everybody always does."

He wouldn't let me go, "I'm not. I promise you that."

I stopped fighting and buried my head into his chest, "You will though. I think you're scared to show me the real you. Are you scared that you're so hideous that I would run away."

He laughed, "No sweetheart. Not at all. I just have to wait for the right time."

I wrapped my arms around him, "I don't care what you look like. I just need you."

He wrapped his arms tighter around me and a sense of calm washed over me. "HD?"

"What is it sweetheart?" He asked kissing me on my forehead.

"Why don't I ever get anything I want?"

He took a deep breath, "My heart breaks for you it really does. You had finally decided how you wanted to live your life and now you have to rethink everything."

I backed away slightly and put my hand on his face so that I could tell what I was doing and whispered slightly, "Not everything." and I kiss him gently.

He gave in to the kiss at first but then pulled away from me, "As much as I would love to give in to this feeling it's just not the right time."

I shoved him and got up, "It's never going to be the right time. I just need to go." and I practically ran back to the hotel.

My phone was beeping but I ignored it and ran straight for the bathroom, locking myself in. Why can't life just be simple? Why can't I just have the things I want. Why can't I just die instead of being miserable forever?

I came out of the bathroom long enough to get the pain pills the doctor gave me and then locked myself back in the bathroom, holding the bottle in my hand. This is enough to kill you. My thoughts were telling me. The logical side of my brain kicked in, are you seriously thinking about doing this? Think about all the people that love you. I laughed, "Yeah like all my friends." I said out loud. My thoughts fought back, No. Your family and HD. I screamed, "Just shut up!!" and I sat there staring at the bottle. The pain was very intense. I opened the bottle and took one.

I woke up to my mom trying to kick in the door of the bathroom. I almost jumped out of my skin, "Mom what the fuck are you doing?"

She got the door the rest of the way open and was in a full panic. "Oh my God (yn) what did you do?" She grabbed the empty bottle of pills and immediately dialed nine one one for an ambulance and announced to them that we had an attempted overdose.

I knocked the phone out of her hand, "I did NOT try to overdose! What the hell is wrong with you mom?"

She showed me the bottle about the time the paramedics were coming in the door. I rolled my eyes, "Oh good God! Look at this mess you have created!" I turned to the paramedics and looked back at my mom, "I didn't try to kill myself. The pills are probably all over the floor in the bathroom. I took one and you know how low my tolerance is to them. I guess it knocked me out and I dropped the bottle." I explained to everyone.