Beneath / Small Town

2

// Violence and Talks of Suicide. Slight Internalised Homophobia.

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07/03/20XX
I haven’t been going to school. Dom’s been pissed about it, but I just can’t bring myself to do so. I wish I wasn’t this incompetent, but it’s nothing I can change anymore. Most of today was spent on me trying to relearn electric guitar, which I guess was not entirely useless. During noon or so, my brother forced me out of the house. “You don’t want to go to school? Then find something practical to do!” He shouted, causing me to flinch. I stared at the door for a few minutes, hoping that he’d open it, yet Dom never did. So here I was, walking around like a blind bat with nothing but a phone which was down to 50%. I don’t ever use it now, except for texting, so it wasn’t a problem to avoid draining the battery. I guess I felt a bit guilty for not listening to him in the first place. Everything that’s happened and the lack of our grandad's presence has also taken a toll on him, and I shouldn’t feel so selfish about it. But I did learn something.
 
If you walk far enough within Crossroads, you can find cool hideout areas, like places under bridges. I thought it was a good idea to sit under one for a bit, watching as the waves below would crash against each other. Let me paint the picture  for you; a lone teenager sitting under a bridge, staring at the sea which wasn’t too far from him. A train track was on the top of the bridge, and it was a matter of time before his location was discovered. It was fun, I guess. Every now and then I could hear the whirring sounds of a train passing by, feeling the vibrations as the wheels screeched against the tracks. Sometimes there was nearby laughter and chattering, yet I didn’t understand why until it was sunset. The color of the sky was nice, it was a mix of purple and orange and I think it looked similar to the weird fusion slushies I used to make with my dad at the convenience store.
 
Dom called me. I picked up the phone immediately. Gosh, I don’t even know why I was so hasty into doing so. For some reason I don’t remember much of what he said, but it was something on the lines of “Hey, I’m really sorry for being mad at you. I’ve just been really upset and tired lately. You don’t need to reply, just listen. Grandad’s worried about you, come home soon, okay?” and the call ended there. 
 
I had respect for Dom, so of course I was going to go home, until this stupid fucking group decided it was a good idea to hang around the corner and scare the living shit out of me. It was probably the most emotion I’ve shown in a while, and these three dipshits just somehow managed to get it out of me. They all looked rather concerned after realizing I was there the entire time, taking turns whispering to each other. Perhaps they were discussing secrets that they didn’t want anyone to know? Either way, I wasn’t going to care. Paying attention to that sort of stuff is just a reason for you to end up on a watchlist for ‘potential suspects that revealed said secret to said person’. I decided to squint, then noticed it was the idiot friend group that green guy hangs out with! What a coincidence, it is truly my lucky day! They tried to talk to me and get a reaction out of me, but to their dismay, I wasn’t going to budge after that. At least they were kind enough to introduce themselves, it felt like I was attending an awkward play date again. How cute.
 
Their names were Skateboard, Slingshot, and Coil. Skateboard wears this weird helmet with a red line down the middle, and these arrow-like earring things that rattle a bit when he turns his head. I swear I’ve seen him wear the same red tank top to school for the last four days, so he’s either really disgusting or has the wardrobe of Barry Bee Benson, but it’s just red tank tops. Slingshot’s got a huge blue band wrapped around his head, and some random blue jacket. It looks like he’s going to play a tennis game when he clearly isn’t, a funny ass look. Coil has a weird orange-blue design- one of the horns is more pointier than the other, and his mandarine hoodie doesn’t even have sleeves. What the fuck. It felt like I was looking at some guy who came from outer space, because what the hell was his fashion taste anyway? Gosh, I don’t even know if I can judge, all I wear is whatever’s clean and Dom hates me for it because he knows I have the ability to assemble good outfits, I just choose not to because why the fuck not? My social leverage is already 0, so let me continue that streak!  Get ready world, I’m going to destroy every bit of you until you fucking seize!
 
10/03/20XX
 
I’m so tired. Entering society is hard, I never want to do it again. Please let me be in my own vicinity, world. I lied about destroying you. Please.
 
12/03/20XX
 
I don’t know what happened today. I felt lost in my own bubble for the entirety of this week, and it’s already Friday. I’m exhausted and pissed because there’s now a fucking rumour going around that I’m dating some random out-of-school bloke. So what if I was? Gosh, it’s like listening to random people chatter around you and giggle and stare at you when they’re completely aware of the fact that YOU KNOW. YOU CAN FUCKING HEAR THEM AND THEY WON’T SHUT UP FOR SHIT BECAUSE APPARENTLY YOU ARE A GODDAMN GHOST TO THEM SINCE YOU DON’T WANT TO OPEN UP TO ANYONE. I CAN’T DATE FOR SHIT BECAUSE I’M TRYING TO LEARN HOW TO COMMUNICATE AGAIN, AND NOW YOU MAKE ME WANT TO KILL MYSELF. DO YOU WANT THAT, SOCIETY? IT SEEMS LIKE YOU DO. 
 
“How’s your boyfriend?” 
“Have you ever kissed him?”
“Gosh, are you meeting your little ‘guy friend’ after class or something? Why in such a rush?”
 
SHUT UP. SHUT THE FUCK UP. WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU? I HOPE YOU FUCKING ROT.
I NEVER WANT TO GO BACK EVER AGAIN. EVER FUCKING AGAIN. I HOPE THE FUCKING SCHOOL EXPLODES INTO NOTHING WHILST EVERYONE BURNS INSIDE OF IT. I DON’T HAVE A FUCKING BOYFRIEND, AND I’M NOT FUCKING GAY, SO STOP SAYING I AM BECAUSE IF YOU DON’T SHUT UP I’M GOING TO FUCKING STRANGLE YOU AND THROW YOU ONTO ONCOMING TRAFFIC, YOU ABSOLUTE PIECE OF SHIT. “It’s always the weird ones that are gay!” IT’S ALWAYS THE DUMBASSES THAT ARE CLUELESS ABOUT THE FACT I’M GOING TO CHUCK THEM OUT OF A GODDAMN WINDOW SOMEDAY.

15/03/20XX
 
Dom read it. He read it and is concerned. He knows. He knows. What the fuck. I’m an idiot, I’m such an idiot. I left the page open and he saw all the messy handwriting and got confused. He knows. He knows.
 
He thought I was able to pull my shit together, now he probably thinks less of me. I’m such an idiot.

Why am I like this? Is this what you wanted, dad? A son who was as useless as you?

Maybe you did.