The Darkness Is My Light

Ch-12

NEVAN

All of my anger dissipates the moment my fist touches his face. "I told you to leave me alone" I mumble, "Sorry, we'll talk it out later."

His grip on my chin loosens, but before I can breathe in relief, he grabs both my hands on the top of my head with one of his and takes his belt out with the other. What is he doing? He proceeds to tie my hands and grumbles, "No more talking, Nevan. I've had enough of that. Now, I'm going to fuck that sassy attitude out of you and use you as my personal fuck toy."

"How- how can you even say that? You promised." I struggle as he slides his hand under my shirt while holding my tied hands with another.

"Promised? If I can't be worried about you then why would I fulfill those petty promises. I'll just focus on fulfilling my needs instead." He growls in my ear as his fingers circle around my nipple.

"And what did I say wrong? Do you care about me? If you did, then you wouldn't have married me or slammed that door in my face or tried to threaten me every chance you get like now." I snarl. His expression changes in an instant like he is hurt by my words.

He takes his hand out to hold my cheek and whispers "And? That's all I did? Am I really that awful?"

"No, you made time for me even though I kept cancelling our plans, you didn't say anything when I screamed at you, you stayed up to listen to my craps and to find me, you-" I stop because I don't for how long he was trying to find me.

"I searched the entire city for hours just to find you in an isolated club. You know all of that, but still think I don't care about you?"

"You did all that because you have to get through these six months with the burden of my presence. You did that to show everyone that I'm your husband. You don't care about me, why would you when all I ever do is bother you? In fact, you should be happy that you're going to get rid of me in five months." I lower my voice, "Sorry-" 

He presses his thumb on my lips cutting me off. "Shut your fucking mouth Nevan and stop being fucking sorry. I don't know what goes on in that head of yours" his voice softens as he leans closer to me, "But I'm not just getting through these months, you're not a burden and fuck, I hated people like you who always laugh and talk about illogical things, but I don't hate you. You don't bother me baby. If I could, I would have you for the rest of my life."

"You're lying. He said-" I didn't realize tears were streaming down my face until Luciano wiped them away. Why do I have to remember him now of all times? I stay frozen staring at Luciano's face, but I don't see him. I don't see anything. I can't stop thinking how 'he' said I don't deserve love, left me, fucking forgot me. I need to do something to get him deleted from my brain.

I wake up from those memories by aggressive shaking of my shoulders. I stare up at Luciano's face. It's blurred, everything is but I can see through the haze that he is worried about me, for ME. He asks, "Who, Nevan?" 

I sober up, "What?"

"I asked who made you think you're a burden? Who made you think you don't deserve my care??" He helps me sit up and caresses my hand. When did he untie me?

"Who? There's no one, you must have heard wrong." I smile in attempt to hide my tears, but they don't stop. For god's sake, stop thinking for a few minutes, can you? Then I'll give you what you want. I ask myself or whoever is sitting there in my fucked-up brain.

Luciano keeps wiping my tears as he asks, "So, these unstoppable tears are for nothing baby. Are you really not going to tell me who is this 'he' you keep thinking about?"

"Ah- tears. That's because... you tied me too harshly. It's hurting." I smile and lie through my teeth; I did not even feel the physical pain.

He takes the first-aid box from the drawer and applies medicine on the red marks kneeling in front of me. He doesn't look at me as he basically warns me, "Just so you know, I can find out who 'he' is instantly and can kill 'him'."

"Don't- don't speak about him like that. You know nothing about us, it's - it's all my fault-" My words get stuck in my throat due to my sobbing. Luciano only looks at me and I don't know why I take that as a sign to hug him. I fall into his arms, and we lay on the floor for God knows how long. He never stopped stroking my hair as I soaked his shirt with my tears. I should stop, I know I should. I need to get in control, but I have to be alone for that.

"Luciano, go and sleep, I'm fine. Leave me alone." I say buried in his chest.

"I'm not leaving you alone, baby. Go ahead and sleep in my arms." He carries me to bed in bridal style and holds me again, burying my own body in his and resuming stroking my hair. Maybe I should give up my control once, just once, it should be fine. I can continue the ritual tomorrow if I'm not fine. Yeah, but why is he doing all this? What does he want?

"Do you want to have sex with me?" I mumble in his chest and his hands stop stroking my hair. I knew it, obviously he wanted something. Why would he do all this just to calm me down? He had his purpose from the very start-

"Don't say anything like that ever again. Just sleep." He is forcing himself to sound normal.

Whatever, I'll find out his purpose later, he can't hide it for long. It's impossible for him to do this much without expecting anything from me. 

Everything's fine, don't worry. You're happy. I assure myself as I fall asleep in his arms.