My mother's womb was cursed with me at the tender age of 15. I was the result of rape.
She gave birth to me on a sunny Thursday afternoon. A while ago she told me that the day she gave birth to me, nobody came to the hospital.
Not even her own mother.
My childhood was complicated.
I was raised to believe that my biological mother was actually my sister, because she was so young.
We would spend a lot of time together and in secrecy, she would whisper in my ear and tell me that she was my real mother. This confused me.
I've always made use of creative outlets to channel my emotions.
When I was a child I would draw a picture of myself and an older woman holding my hand. Although, instead of drawing facial features, I would draw a question mark over a blank face.
One day, my mother saw my drawing and asked me what it was.
I told her that it was a picture of me, and my mommy.
She asked me why I drew a question mark instead of a face, and I told her that it's because I didn't know who my real mommy was.
Sometimes I wonder if she would be better off if I hadn't been born.
She used to look at me, and tell me that I would pull certain facial expressions that would make me look just like my father.
She would also tell me that I'm the reason her life is fucked up.
It was too late for her to have an abortion.
So, here I am.
My relationship with her is complex.
She would be a teenager, straightening her hair and listening to Gwen Stefani while I sat next to her as a little baby girl, giggling everytime she said a cuss word.
We were, and still currently are, like best friends. Despite how difficult things may get, she's told me that I'm the only reason she's still alive.
I would be lying if I said that it didn't put a strange and disproportionate amount of pressure on me, the fact that she was practically forced to carry on with her pregnancy.
God let me be brought into this world, and it feels like He should have a plan for me, because if He doesn't, then all of my mother's pain was for nothing.
My mother told me that she had a dream before I was born.
A woman that looked like an angel came to her.
This woman had long, straight, black hair. She wore a white dress, and she told my mother what to name me. That's the story behind how I got my name.
I was a pleasant child growing up, at least.
At 2 years old, I had already potty trained myself.
By the time I was 3, I could write my own name.
I reached kindergarten, and I could already read almost fluently. When I got to the second grade, my reading level was the equivalent to that of a seventh grader.
I was an extroverted child as well.
I would perform spiritual dances in church.
I would put on stand up comedy routines for my family, performing for them so that they could laugh until their stomachs ached.
I wasn't shy, and I was no stranger to being adored by an audience before I was even 7 years old.
I have a school concert CD, and I was about 4 or 5 years old at the time.
While the rest of the girls shyly pointed their fingers for the choreography, with almost no enthusiasm, I swayed my hips from side to side and reached my fingers up into the sky.
I was the center of attention and the star of the show, the parents cheering me on for my confidence alone.
If I could attach a video to this essay, I would.
I am a shell of the girl that I once was, and I would give up everything for my mother to be happy. Even if it meant that I was never born.
I can't save her, and I can't save myself.
A lot of time has passed since then. Every single one of her boyfriends have died, she's had over five, either by suicide, gang violence, and more.
Ever since she birthed a stillborn, she hasn't been the same.
Ever since I found her, almost lifeless, body on the floor with poison dripping out of her mouth from a failed suicide attempt, I haven't been the same.
One of my friends told me that they tried really hard not to laugh when I told them about her attempt, but I think by then I was already desensitised to how cruel the world could be.
I know that my mother is broken.
I also know that the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree.
❥ With everlasting love,
angelsclique - 19.09.24
