Violence is Still Always the Answer

Chapter 1: I'm Back Bitches

It's been two years since I sent Max and Jason away. In that time, I've be exploring. I visited Paris with Tess, went on an African safari, climbed Mt. Everest. Now I'm atop the Empire State building with Tess.

In other, less important news, aliens have attempted to invade the earth. But we humans being stubborn, refused to just pull down our pants and get fucked. We called upon our strongest "heroes", which didn't include me for some reason, to fight the aliens who wish to smite. Those, much less awesome, "heroes" won and now spend their time hunting down the remaining few aliens that exist.

"This is not as romantic as the movies would have you believe," I said to Tess.

"I don't care, as long as I'm with you," Tess flirted as she snuggled underneath my arm.

"Of course you don't care."

Then 4 aircrafts whizzed past the building followed by four men in advanced powered exoskeleton. "Fuck yeah, some action," I cheered.

"Jacob, don't do this," Tess told me.

"Sorry, but duty calls. Now could you help me out?" I asked.

She rolled her eyes and reluctantly lifted me up as she fired off into the sky. Once a ship began to maneuver underneath us, she released me.

I landed on top of one of the aircrafts and strapped an explosive charge onto it. I triggered it to create a hole and slipped inside. I saw four aliens manning the small aircraft. They were built like mountains, having rock like skin.

"Either you guys are real aliens or this is the best Comic-Con costume ever," I complimented them. "If it's the latter, nice job. If it's the former, I have a few questions about anal probing."

One spoke in their native tongue to the others. Then they attacked.

I shot at them but my bullets could barely pierce their thick skin. It took a few more bullets than usually to put them down. I could only kill one of them before another blasted me with their alien rifle. It completely ripped off my left arm."

"Fuck that hurts more than normal bullets," I said. "I guess that's the power of German engineering."

I pulled the pin on a grenade and threw it at them with the one arm I had. I covered my ear as it exploded, knocking the aliens off their feet. All of them were unable to get back up, but the controls were fucked and the ship dove towards the ground. One of the men in powered exoskeleton caught us in mid air. He gently placed it on the ground and I climbed out of it. "Jacob, what the hell are you doing?" he asked.

"Hey George, I was in the area and wanted to lend a hand," I told him. "I needed some action considering you didn't invite me to the a bloodbath orgy a few months ago."

"How about you stay out of it and let the professionals handle it."

"I am a professional," I stated.

"Yeah, right. Give me a random number."

"Sixty-nine."

"Favorite food?"

"Pussy."

"What's your name?"

"Hugh G. Rection."

"Yeah, super professional," he said sarcastically as he flew away to catch up with the others.

"Don't sass me," I yelled.

***

If you're wondering who the fuck are those people, I'm going to tell you exactly that, on a new segment called Who the Fuck is That. Because who needs exposition woven cleverly and creatively into the writing. Fuck that, amirite?