The backrooms: Liminality

Chapter 3 - For All Of Us Have Suffered

Finn:

My eyes wander around the tunnel system of the hub, the nexus of the backrooms. Containing the entrance to every level by doorways, it's a vast complex, an infinite connective network of dimly lit tunnel systems. A dry asphalt road runs through the middle of these tunnels and twists in many directions.
The tunnel is accompanied by a dim orange light, casting a warm hue in the darkness.
The hub serves as a hotspot for many wanderers but is also used as one of the M.E.G. bases, short for the "major explorer group"
It's an organisation that's dedicated to ensure the safety of people who are lost here, but it also acts like a military. Another goal of there's is to discover new levels and document them.
I joined them 2 years ago, I got assigned to the volunteer squad before joining a group with 3 other people.

I walk over to the sidewalk and sit down, I place my bag beside me, the bag is fully packed containing supplies and other equipment. My mind wanders for a moment, my eyes stare at the many other people that take shelter here. And I wonder how much pain they have gone through, the fear, the abandonment and the loneliness. Because I know it's inevitable, it's something that you can't escape. I look beside me, my back resting on the concrete wall, there's a kid that looks about the age of 10. His eyes are frozen, locked onto something that only he sees. His arms are wrapped around his knees and I may be 19 now but I see a part of him in myself. A part that I've forgotten about, a part that I've left behind when i first came to this place. The air feels heavy around me, the cold weighing on my skin.
I was 16 at the time and I found myself alone, but that was one thing that never really changed, I was always alone but this alone was different, theres no words to explain it but it felt like the world abandoned me, threw me in this hell and left me to rot. A couple years later there would be several scars on my body, like tattoos stuck to my skin.
They haven't faded, they haunt me, it's a reminder of the pain. And I sigh and lift my t shirt up to see it again, I look at it for a second before tracing my finger over the scar that sits on the left side of my stomach. I remember this one, it was an entity that caught up to me, I was running for what seemed like forever but it wasn't enough and It caught up to me eventually. I close my eyes as I feel the blood that once came from it, only in my imagination.
But my mind was scarred the most, because being here it changes you, and you sometimes find comfort in your own loneliness. or it kills you, breaks you down until your hope is shattered into pieces, you can reach for them, cut your hands in the process. It won't change anything.
From my time here I've learned that your sanity is more important than anything because if you lose it you lose yourself. And even if you find yourself again, you won't be the same person no matter how hard you try to be.

i stand up and look around, any time now I'll be sent out again, it's been 6 days since i was last sent out, I still haven't recovered that much, my body still feels rough. But i breathe in the damp air and the cold glides across my hands and seeps into my skin. The cold that reminds of level 7, the infinite sea covered with dense fog, cold that would make you numb not just physically. shivers creep down my back and I close my eyes for a second, there's talking coming from the other side of the road and I open my eyes and squint to try to get a closer look, there's 2 guys who seem to be in a state of panic. before I can walk over to see what's wrong I hear footsteps behind me and I pause "Your team has been assigned to level 0" a man says as he checks his notepad, I pick up my bag off the floor, and I'm first surprised by the heaviness "alright, do you know where they are?" I say while opening the zip and double checking the supplies in my bag.
"They should be by level 0s door, they are waiting for you" I look in front of me at the several doors lined across the tunnel wall, the door that's behind him reads level 150, flower petals scatter out from under the door.
"I better get walking then" I smile at him and look down the infinite expanse of the tunnel once again "good luck" the man says while smiling. "Thank you" I reply
I turn away and begin walking down the endless tunnel, I don't turn back, I never do. There's always a risk that needs to be taken when your goal is to save other people's lives, it's a constant battle for safety.
The tunnel seems to stretch out forever, the soft hum of dim lights echoing as my footsteps fall in rhythm. In a couple miles I'll see them, waiting by the door to level 0. It's a popular level, almost everyone starts there, i did.
You find an unstable part in reality and then you no-clip, and you won't know until you fall through the floor or pass through a wall, and end up in complete solitude. Few make it back to recount the experience.
Everyday people search for an exit, there's rumours of reported exits but some of them are fake. There's nearly an infinite amount of levels, sometimes containing an infinite amount of space. There must be an exit somewhere, an unstable area that leads back to the place we came from. I keep walking, the sound of my footsteps echoing through the area, drips of water come from above and i look up and watch the drops of water splash in a puddle on the side of the road, the dripping noise makes an echo throughout the tunnel, and the puddle ripples on the surface.
I look at the wall again, it reads "level 60".
I heard about that level before, it's a concrete path next to a bay that's shrouded in darkness. It has a class 5 survival difficulty so you wouldn't really want to visit, unless you have a death wish of course but that's quite common here. The tunnel turns to the left slightly from here, the ambience of silence following my feet. The orange light above me flickering lightly as the sound of electricity hums steadily, crackling and sparking. a loud buzz and the light disappears, the left side is left in darkness so I make my way to the right.

I squint my eyes and I see them, my feet still in rhythm as I wave my hand towards them. Mila notices me and waves back, her back leaning against the metal door. Ryder stands next to her, his hands in his pockets before taking one out a second later to push back his hair. Nearly a minute later and i finally reach them, I try to get my breath back before Mila speaks. "I thought I would never see you again" says Mila enthusiastically.
For a couple months I was paired with another group, at least someone's happy to see me. "So are we ready?" Ryder mutters, the same look in his eyes that I've seen a hundred times before. His eyes are sharp, the brown flecks catching what little light remains. I nod, glancing toward Mila who looks towards the door. "Level 0" it reads.
I take a deep breath because I haven't been to this level since I first came to this place. Ryder puts his hand on the door handle and opens it slowly. The buzzing sound of the lights already pierces my brain, the old yellow wallpaper, the carpet, the loneliness no matter how many people are beside you all comes back at once. An endless amount of hallways stretch out in front of us. Mila steps in first and she looks back towards us, "keep close it's easy to get lost here" she says while I follow Ryder through the door and close it behind me.
Memories that I kept behind me flood my brain, I was 16, alone and scared. I didn't have anyone to tell me where I was and I was confused. But eventually I knew this place wasn't normal, it wasn't natural and it was unlike anything I've seen before. As I walk into the yellow abyss I wonder for a second, if the people I left behind are still wondering where I went, did they look for me?. They must think I'm dead,
"Finn Caddell, the boy who left us too soon".
I imagine that written on my tombstone, only the grave is empty because my body was never found. Maybe I am dead, maybe this is the afterlife and I'm fighting for my survival even though it might not even exist.
It's true that everyone here clings to hope, it's how they survive, it's all they really have.
My eyes scan the surroundings and it's exactly the same as it was 3 years ago. Only I'm older now and I've learnt many things, but there's one thing that stays the same and it's fear. Even though it's the starting point to the backrooms this level is dangerous, I learnt that before.
I close my eyes and the memories play in my brain, not the good ones, but the times when I was scared and alone.
And I try to open my eyes, but the memories come too fast and I'm crushed beneath them.