through the darkness i could see her face changing.
it wasn't a bad change but it also wasn't a good change.
i felt the atmosphere shifting.
i felt my body shifting.
i shifted towards her...towards you.
your face a different one in the dark, but it was you..
i sat there contemplating.
i sat there tracing your face.
i told myself to just do it.
just do it.
i could if i wanted to.
and then id quit.
id quit the job i hated so so much.
just for the chance to kiss you.
id give up everything i had for you.
because thats how badly i wanted it.
how badly i wanted you. you.
fucking you.
you and your stupid smile and stupid hair that always looks so perfect even when it was messy.
you and our stupid matching pants.
you and your stupid stupid laugh.
you and your stupid fucking laugh....
i thought abt it all of the time.
i cried some days.
i told myself it wasnt...that i didnt feel this way. but i did.
i do.
i feel everything about you.
sadness, anger, guilt, disgust, rushes of adrenaline, happiness, bliss, love, emotion....
i thought i wouldnt feel emotion for someone for a long time after her...
i told you about her...
why would i do that
...idk...
i hate u most days....
for how you never seem to care.
how you never reacted.
i told you.
i said it to you.
and you still said nothing.
i choke.
i choked.
when you said nothing.
because in that moment i could say nothing.
i only talk to you when im high or drunk.
sober me could never face you.
im too mean.
im too mean.
i say what i mean and what i want.
idk why.
i think im so funny.
but im just rude.
i like u and your hair.
your stupid stupid hair.
fuck.
its your hairs fault.
just cut it off like you said.
just cut it.
make me lose it.
lose this for you.
i cant be your friend.
i feel protective.
i feel like i need to be with you all of the time. talk to you all of the time.
i feel you slipping.
you're always slipping.
the things i say make you slip.
im sorry.
i fucked up.
i really did.
i shouldnt feel like this.
not with you.
my friend.
my coworker.
i want to be gentle with you.
but not annoying.
i need you to tell me something.
plz.
tell me anything.
u dont talk to me anymore.
why.
what did i do.
what did i say.
why did i do it.
why did i say it.
fuck.
fuck.
fuck.
