my poems

poem II

I'm not much of a crier,
I don't cry very often.
I'm strong and resilient,
Or at least that's what people say.
I don't cry.
I'm the tough one.

But suddenly, tears begin to well up in my eyes,
I can't help it, and before I know it I'm crying.
Not just a few tears,
The tears keep falling, and falling and falling.
I want to stop,
To keep up my mask.
But it won't stop.

I cry like I've never cried before.
I just can't stop.
And the worst part is,
I don't know why I'm crying at first but then I start to realize.

I cry for my younger self,
The little girl who was stripped of her childhood.
The girl who had to be the parent to her brother and mother.
The girl who sat on the edge of her bed and cleaned the wounds from her mom.
The girl who laid in bed wondering why she wasn't loved.

I cry for my mom,
The woman who really didn't want to end up like her parents.
But still did anyways.
The woman who couldn't break the generational trama.
The woman who was just a child, trying to raise a child.

I cry for my dad,
The man who raised me.
The man who takes care of everyone else but never himself.
The man who is just trying not to break.
The man who takes on too much.
The man who throughout everything always smiles for his kids.

I cry for my siblings,
The kids who didn't deserve all this chaos.
The kids who just wanted to be happy and enjoy life.
The kids who didn't need to see all that.
The kids who just wanted to have a normal life.

I cry for myself.
The woman I've become.
The woman I never wanted to be.
The woman who younger me would be so disappointed in.
The woman who feels so dead inside.
The woman who fakes it all,
Who tells herself "just smile"
Even when the world around her feels like it's burning around her.

I cry for all the pain I've been though.
The pain that could have been avoided.
The pain that has caused me to become this, vessel of numbness.
The pain that makes me shut down.
The pain that makes me always check over my shoulder.
The pain that makes me unlovable.
The pain that convinced me I'm nothing and I don't deserve to live.

I cry for the life I could have had.
The life where I'm happy.
The life where I'm loved and cared for.
The life where I matter.
The life where I feel important.
The life that I deserved.
The life I could have been so successful.
The life where none of this happened.

I cry for the guilt.
The guilt of doing nothing to help.
The guilt of just letting everyone walk all over me.
The guilt of not letting others love me.
The guilt of pushing everyone away.
The guilt of being born.
The guilt of feeling like everything's my fault.
The guilt of not protecting them when they needed me.
The guilt of shutting down and closing off.

I cry for everything.
Everything that happened.
Everything that's going to happen.
The past, the future, the present.
I cry for it all.
I cry until I can't cry anymore.
I cry until all I can do is lay on the floor gasping for air.
Begging for it all to end.

I cry for death.
For death to come and take me.
To close my eyes and never open them again.
To feel that sweet relief of death.
The silence. The peace.
For it all to just stop.

And finally, I cry for life.
I cry to live.
To want to live.
To have the energy to live.
To have the help I need, the love and support to live.
Not just survive anymore.
To live.

I cry because i have bottled up so much for so long.
And that bottle just,
Shattered.
I cry because I deserve to.
I cry because my body and mind needs it.
I cry because I have to.
I cry because I can....