Fifty Shades of Gay

Maybe I'm Not Alone

*Cas POV*
As Dean looked to the board, I couldn't help but notice how his eyes got sad when he said he could relate. "Maybe I'm not alone...", I thought, but then I remembered the last time I let someone in...
*Flashback*
"WOW!", Sammy yells. "Yeah. So that's the story of my life.", I say. Sammy and I were close to dating for 1 whole year, and I figured it was time for her to know my story; it was time to let her in. Sammy looks at me, then says, "I knew you were fucked up, but THAT'S just too much..." I look at her, eyes wide open, heart thudding against my chest. "What do you mean?", I ask, voice cracking a little as my eye sight got blurry. "I mean you have so many problems... The past is the past and I don't see why you can't leave it that way and just get over it. No need to be depressed over something that happened years ago. I can't be in a relationship with someone who can't love themselves and who is so problematic. So we're done and don't make a scene. My friends are over there and I have a reputation to maintain.", Sammy says, flips her hair, then walks away, leaving me with tears streaming down my face and the cracking sound inside my ears of my shattering heart. "I thought she cared. I thought she loved me. I knew I wasn't worth this. Stupid Castiel, what the hell were you even thinking!", I mentally yell at myself. *Flashback over*
Tears sting my eyes and threaten to spill over. She was the first girl I thought forever seemed possible with. I have only dated 2 girls, and the first one wasn't really a relationship. Her name was Jane. She was so sweet, kind, beautiful, but we both realized we had nothing in common in what we wanted in a relationship, so we decided just to stay friends. After she and I broke up, I thought I wouldn't find anyone who wanted me, or anyone I wanted. Then I met Sammy, and I thought everything was going to be okay, but I guess I was wrong.
As I sat there and thought about the past, I didn't notice dean calling my name. "Cas? Casssssss?", Dean says then waves his hand in front of my face. "Oh hey yeah hi.", I respond as I snap out of my trance. "You okay there Cas? You seemed a little upset...", Dean said, his voice and eyes laced with concern. Oh, those beautiful, green, eyes that make my heart beat a thousand.... Wait wait wait, I am NOT GAYYYYYYYY! I do not like da cockadoodledoo, I do not like men. Do I? No. Yes. Shut up brain. While I mentally argued with myself, Dean was trying to get my attention again. "Cas? Really?", Dean says. "Sorry I got lost in thought...", I say as I quickly turn back around, blushing. "Well okay... But if something's wrong, you can tell me.", Dean says as he turns back around. "Okay, thanks.", I say. Yeah, talk it out. How do I say, "Hey Dean, I might be gay for you. I have no idea if you are homophobic or not, but I really hope that you don't ,kind me trying to figure out if I want to bang your brains out or go and see football games together as buds. Much appreciated for your patience!" No! I can't just open up. No, I will not open up. *RINGGGG* The sound of the bell signaling the end of the period. I gathered my things as quickly as I could and waited for Deam to gather his things. "So, what do u have next?", Dean asked as he put his notebook into his backpack "I have weight and power training...", I say as we both walk out of the classroom together. "Okay. Well, follow me.", he says and walks in front of me, leaving me to trail behind. As he's walking, it takes all I can do to not look down at that fine ass--"BRAIN I AM NOT GAY!!!", I internally yell at myself. As we neared a classroom, we slow down. "This will be your class. If you need anything, take the first hallway in your left and find room 421. That's where I'll be...", he says and looks down while rubbing the back of his neck. "Okay," I say with a smile, "thank you." Then I turn away and walk into class. As I take a seat on one of the benches in the decent sized weight room waiting for the rest of the students and teacher to show up, all I can think of it Dean. How can one boy who I have just met today, consume most of my thoughts? Meeting him today isn't even the most confusing part as to why he's on my mind, the most confusing part is that he is a boy and I'm not bisexual or gay... What's going on? Better yet, what the Hiawatha?

*Dean POV*
I turn to walk to my class when I hear a voice yell down the hallway. "DEANNNNNNN!!!!" As I turn around to see who it is, I get mauled over with a huge and fall into the floor. When the person pulls back, I realize it is none other than Jo. "Jesus hi Jo.", I breathe out and push her off me so I can stand back up. "Sorry Deanie I didn't mean to knock you over! I was just so excited to see you cause I missed you over the summer!", she explained as she pulled me into another hug, I wrapped my arms tightly around her thin frame and said, "I missed you too." As we pulled back, she looked at me, furrowed her brow and pouted. "What's wrong?", I asked, confused by her instant change in demeanor. "You seem off. Like something is bothering you.", she responded. "Jo, I promise I'm fine. I have to head to class though, I don't want Ms. Walsh to slit my throat with a pencil or something.", I said, which made Jo double over laughing. "Okay. See ya Dee.", she called as she walked down the hallway. Of course, she has to yell my embarrassing nickname. I walked down the hall to my classroom, and as I walked in I felt excited. I usually don't feel excited for anything, but art has always found a way to make me happy. It's a turn on for my soul. An artist boner. An artist boner in my soul... Yeah, I went there. An artistic boner for my soul. Anyhow, art class has always been my favorite class. Art is a way for me to escape. Any type of art. Just the arts in general is my happy place; my nirvana. As I took my seat in the back of the room, I looked at the whiteboard for the assignment. Since it was the first day of school, the assignment was easy: "Freestyle: draw anything you want. Paint anything you want. Be creative and for the love of god please be appropriate."  "This should be interesting.", I thought to myself. I opened up my bag, got my iPod, my sketch book, my pencils, charcoal block, blending pencil and eraser. I plopped in my ear buds and started listening to Car Crash by Three Days Grace. I opened up my sketchbook, got my pencil out, and started to draw a close up picture of the face of a young boy, eyes wide open and terrified. "I came along for the ride, wicked with the clash, happened so fast and it hurt so much, you're a car crash, and I can't look away." In his pupils, I drew the scene of a car crash. Two cars collided together, hood to hood, explosion of flames. "I couldn't stop at the red light, the red light, stop at the red light. I couldn't stop at the red light, you're just like a car crash, and I can't look away." After a while, I decided to make the boys pupils look like heart, staring at the car crash. As if to symbolize he was looking at the wreck of a love life he had between he and his lover, as if his relationship was that of a car crash, but he can't look away. A beautiful mess. A walking travesty. His miserable everything. How every love in his life he wanted to grab a hold to, but it just turned into a painful, fiery mess. A car crash. This boy was terrified yet mesmerized. Yet at the same time, all at once, he was hurt. And who was that boy I was drawing? Me.