vortex ² [poetry] ✓

xxii. the heartbreak paradox [tw]

blue - billie eilish
“i've tried to live in black and white, but i'm so blue.”

all i can think of is about two lines until it again starts to not feel right

i'm never really honest, i'm just swimming in a mode of stand-by

like i'm spending time in my life while it just passes in front of my eyes

feels like i'm just a blind passenger with no control over my mind

unconsiously waiting to tear off a string that could've saved my life

and there i was, thinking that i was actually for real this time

i walked right into what felt improvised by god-knows-who

knowing that if we all make mistakes, you've been the greatest one of mine

been out getting withdrawal symptoms from not talking to you

used to wish i was loved by a writer, a volunteer to be turned into poetry

instead, i've been thrown underwater, growing tired of the blue

characterized by mixed signals, filling out my lungs 'til i can't breathe

it's getting embaressing that i keep giving you this power over me

like we are liquid shadows, and maybe our love was always unreal

torn by wasted expectations, your chemtrails in my heart seem unhealthy

you fell right into my tired arms while still being so mad at me

maybe this feeling is yet to be disarmed, but it's on it's way to disappear

you were the ghost inside my heart, now you break to come near

and i have always taken your words as a depth for my beliefs

even when i thought that someday, you won't recognize me

i used to cut open the void and fill it with felt concrete walls

and you've been telling me forever that i'm leading you on

pushing the world off my blank shoulders, while you save it when it falls

i should've known better than to say that you're wrong

but i could write another poem to make sure that i won

that only to find out that you've already written songs

now i'm clinging to the thought of everything i've known before

and i'll stay left with the ghost's soul that i have loved for so long

hoping that one day, i won't have to think about it anymore