5 Days

Marigold

6 hours...

It takes over my mind, my body, my world... The pain.

Why?

Why?

Why?

God please tell me WHY!?

I can't breathe.

Van won't stop crying.

Make it stop... Please... Make it stop...

Please God... Please don't do this to me.

No.

I can't pull my thoughts together long enough to think not before a wave of reality hits me again.

This is unbearable, surely no one has lived through this kind of pain?

Why?

Black spots obscure my eyesight, I know it's from the lack of oxygen but I can't seem to breathe in.

My throat wont let me.

I know...

I'm in denial. Its not real. Its not. This isn't happening.

I know...

I know...

This is happening...

My mind is raging a war so loud it blocks out everything else.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no...

This is the part of me that wants to keep playing pretend, this is the part of my mind begging me to let go of whatever sanity I have left and just end this torture.

This is the part of me that screams for mercy...

I take a breath and just like that the world comes back to me, sounds are no longer muted, surroundings are no longer blurred, my logic somewhat coming back.

I'm on the ground on my knees leaning heavily against my hands. My breathing is still somewhat erratic and my mind is still trying to play catch up in a world that seems to be moving a hundred miles an hour.

Why...

I push myself up still in shock and the world spins. Nausea immediately has me hunched back over spitting up nothing but acid. There's nothing in my stomach it can purge.

Sobbing...

Tortured cries...

Noises like a dying animal, its then I realize these sounds are coming from me.

I'm dying...

No, but I wish I was because it feels like I am.

Rocking myself as I kneel on the ground as reality continues with its cruel joke.

This isn't happening...

"No god please, please don't do this to me... please I beg you." My own voice sounds so foreign to my own ears, this woman sounds so broken, so desperate...

This woman sounds like she already knows the answer to the reality she just can't accept.

I know...

"This is all my fault, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, just please... don't..."

I know...

Yet even with accepting the truth my tears don't slow and my heart still shatters.