Mango Tree Diaries

Little Ms. Too Much Information

I was having a bad morning, Mr Unreliable, Roy was being more tardy than usual. I hardly ever bother about what members of staff get upto in their spare time, that is purely their own business. The best way to change that is for one to start an argument with me in an effort to take the van home, only to arrive late the following morning and try to busy himself with washing the tyres of all things.
"Can you see why I refused to cave into your ridiculous demands? Look at yourself hungover and dawdling about!" I was incensed and fighting the urge to swear at this nincompoop. Had he completely forgotten that I had taken a chance on him?
"Let me put it this way, your slacker attitude is what got you fired by people who had practically allowed you to get away with murder. You smashed their vehicles and messed around and messed around? I am not running a non-profit organization here and I have told you a long time ago, there are no VIPs or spoilt brats here. Get your condemned carcass into the kitchen and get everything into that should be in the van into the van. You have plenty time after hours to tell your friends what an asshole I am, it doesnt bother me, but bear it in mind that this is the asshole who took you in when everyone else wanted nothing to do with you. If you really want to be a proven bum, the gate is unlocked, you can waltz out of here whenever you feel like real world is too much for you!"
He blinked repeatedly as if he had snapped out of a trance and shuffled into the kitchen with an uncommon spring in his step. I knew that he would find something to complain about in my absence, he could be a real empty vessel when it suited him, particularly when he had botched something.
There was no time to dwell on the potential delay, we moved like clockwork. The folding tables went in first, followed by the boxes of prepackaged meals and lastly the soft drinks. Nellie and Zee went through the final checklist and we were good to go.
Zee could not resist the urge to get on Roy's back and I, for might part could not blame her. He could be impossible, I was inclined to believe that East Africans had a sense of superiority in their dealings with locals, something that borders on arrogance and stubbornness, Roy for example was always trying to justify himself even when he would have been better off keeping his mouth shut. Zee went on the offensive as she settled into her preferred seat behind the drivers seat.
"So Roy, do you mean to tell us that we should have waited for you to wash the tyres even though you know very well that we are have to travel along two kilometers of gravel road to get the client's house? No wait Nellie, what example is he setting for the new girl? "
Nellie who had been poised to intervene nodded solemnly. I actively encouraged these open peer assessments, it was one of the pillars of my approach to democratic management. My detractors would probably accuse me of being a Maoist of sorts, encouraging people to openly criticize their peers but this was how we identified problems and took steps towards addressing them.
"Roy you need to take this job seriously, last week you were fuming because we complained about you giving friends lifts in Mister Lenin's absence. Were we wrong to do that? You stopped at Fairview to pick up a friend and then drove all the way to Moneni to drop them off, with us in the vehicle, sitting like livestock."
"Thank you for reminding us about that Nellie. Imagine the distance, from Matsapha to whichever part of Fairview that was, then on to Moneni and finally, back to Zakhele. The thing is that somebody must pay for that fuel and the monies wasted on petrol could have gone towards buying new equipment, or a decent Christmas hamper. This is brazen and reckless individualism, let alone abuse of a company vehicle." I waded in.
"Mr. Lenin and Nellie are right, we all cant be held responsible for one person's deeds and that's not even taking into account the inconvenience you have caused us last week and a couple of times before that." Zee drove another nail into his coffin, he cleared his throat and kept his eyes on the road. Checkmate! Whatever misgivings he had harboured about Zees position as my assistant had evaporated along with his plans to operate along similar lines to the mess that he had made of his previous job.

Dan Strauss met us with a warm smile and firm handshake. The hulking, former sergeant wore his blonde hair in a thick leonine mane, his jaw was clean shaven and he wore the trademark SANDF handlebar moustache. I had vague memories of radio commentators referring to him by his nickname "501" during his days as the star holding midfielder in one of the greatest Moneni Pirates FC sides in recent history. He was still closely linked to the club that had enabled him to realize every footballers dream, to lift silverware. Strauss had added two Trade Fair Cup medals to a collection of medals won representing the SANDF at SADC tournaments.
Zee seemed to know plenty about the Strauss family, Dan in particular which was hardly surprising given the fact that she was a diehard Pirates fan. I could hear her voice echo in the back of my mind as I recalled what she had said.
"They used to call him 501 , firstly because his surname is Strauss, like Levi Strauss and later because he had managed to fit into the team so perfectly. He controlled that midfield like a choirmaster conducts a choir, I think he could have gone very far as a soccer player if he wasnt more interested in being a soldier".
"Yes, I heard that he strictly played as a semi-professional even though he could have earned in the region of a hundred thousand Rand a month playing in the Premier Soccer League. That's a bit odd."
"Not really, sir, many former players who earned that kind of money or more are penniless today. Strauss owns a security company and a little farm, he hasnt done too badly for himself."
Security company? That rang a bell.
"Sagila Armed Response Services or SARS as it's more commonly known. I remember them. Weren't they involved in some drama that led to a Member of Parliament hyperventilating in Parliament?"
"Hyperventilating, Mr Lenin? You can be such a comedian sometimes. Yes, two of his guards were involved in a shootout with armed robbers which led to the death of two thugs."
"Yes, I remember very well and that fellow who looks like a TD Jake's clone kicked up a fuss about the fact that the guards were armed despite the fact that they had foiled an attempted robbery!" I could not help it if people found some of my mannerisms and choice of words comical, at times I do so deliberately, though on occasions these things  are anything but premidated.
"He has interests in a security company which had already secured a lucrative tender of it's own. People can be so jealous."
"True; if this tendency to undermine others was an Olympic sport, then "Pull Him or Her Down" would be the one sporting code that Swaziland would be guaranteed gold medals in every for years to come. Look at the amount of baseless, unrefined crap people have spoken about Kremlin Catering in recent times."
I switched my attention back to the present as the petite form of Futhi Strauss entered the living room. We knew each other from our younger days, as students in Pretoria. She was still as animated as a hamster running in its wheel. We had referred to her as Coconut Futhi on account of the oddball white company she had kept, not to mention her suburban accent.
"Lenny look at you! I should have guessed that Danie was referring to you when he spoke of Kremlin Catering but you know how these army types are, people dont have first names." She proceeded to whisk me away on a guided tour of the double storey house.
"You're finally running your own thing, I'm so happy for you. I'm so glad you're somebody I know, it hasn't been an easy time for the family. The scandal and now my auntie passing on."
I offered my condolences, avoiding the subject of, The Scandal. We had returned to the living room and watched as people made the final arrangements, setting up chairs and testing the soundsystem.
" She never quite recovered from the scandal, I am not suggesting that....You know, but she had a minor stroke shortly after they were caught out. What a thing to happen to Irvin, the nicest guy you can imagine, a lot like you some ways." Futhi had not run out of that energy which enabled her to talk rapidly and almost non-stop and I listened intently as she ticked off the series of unfortunate events that had rocked her family.
Irvin Maziya had much to his mother's dismay pursued a relationship with a notorious woman. Perhaps Caroline had been the trophy mixed race girl of his dreams, she certainly was attractive though a more sordid side of her lurked beneath the surface. We had often speculated that nymphomaniac tendencies were a genetic problem, rife in her family because her younger sisters were what my mother would call a pair of the most scandalous bitches in the land.
Futhi handed me a drink, which turned out to be Sprite laced with a generous shot of vodka. I would have protested but the customer is always right.
"Smirnoff!" I remarked
"Same old thang!" She smiled. Irvin had, to his credit, moved on.
"Danie actually helped us to catch them out and I mean, after all my aunt had done for that bastard he had to get involved with her daughter inlaw of all women!"
"I dont know what to say Futhi, you're not somebody I would want to piss off, particularly today."
"Lenny this is me, you were, no still are like a brother to me. Since when does anything have to stop you from being straight with me?"
Well I could argue the point that I was never invited to their wedding, though the reality was that we had lost touch with each other over the years. I had left Pretoria, she had stayed on. That was life and those were the days before social media.
"Your aunt, well. How can I put it..." I downed my drink nervously, Futhi took the glass and proceeded without offering,to refill , we both knew that her fiery temper was what was bothering me.
"Carlo is substantially younger than her, but love is blind, both she and Irvin knew about the, steamy, history between him and Caroline."
"Danie couldn't stand him then, much less now and he said more or less the same thing  that you did. Half of these people who are about to pitch up here are doing so with the possibility of there being a sordid scene of some sort in mind." It struck me that she called him by his proper, Afrikaans name whereas he presented himself by the anglicized "Dan".
"Well, that's life my dear friend we take the good along with the bad."