She Was Just A Child (PART 2)

CHAPTER 21: UNFAMILLIAR FEELINGS

Dian's footsteps echoed through the empty hallway as she made her way to the base's cafeteria. Her mind was still a storm of emotions, but she had managed to push them down, at least for now. The mission failure still weighed heavily on her, but there were other things she needed to focus on—other distractions she desperately needed.

Like Rustam.

She hadn't seen him since their last encounter, when she'd sent that message asking to meet, hoping for a response that never came. Despite everything, she still couldn't get him out of her mind. He had been one of the few people outside of KorTac who she'd ever felt a connection with. A thin, fragile thread that she had clung to, even when everything else felt like it was unraveling.

As she rounded the corner, she stopped abruptly. There he was, standing near the entrance to the cafeteria, his back turned to her as he spoke to someone. Dian's heart skipped a beat, a rush of something warm and painful flooding her chest. She took a hesitant step closer, then froze as she saw who he was with.

The woman from before.

Dian felt her pulse quicken, a tight, suffocating feeling coiling around her chest. The woman was tall, with sleek brown hair and a professional demeanor that screamed competence and confidence. She laughed at something Rustam said, her hand resting lightly on his arm.

Dian's hands clenched into fists at her sides. Her heart hammered in her chest, and for a moment, she was overwhelmed by the intensity of the emotions surging through her—confusion, anger, hurt, and something she couldn't quite put a name to. It was an unfamiliar sensation, like a knife twisting in her gut.

Jealousy.

She watched them for a moment longer, her mind reeling. Why was she feeling this way? It made no sense. She had never been one to get hung up on emotions, to let them dictate her actions. And yet, seeing Rustam with this woman, looking so comfortable, so at ease... it made something in her snap.

Before she could stop herself, she was striding forward, her movements quick and purposeful. Rustam turned as she approached, his eyes widening in surprise.

"Dian?" he said, his voice laced with confusion. "What are you doing here?"

She ignored the question, her eyes flicking briefly to the woman before locking onto his. "Who is she?" she demanded, her voice sharper than she intended.

Rustam blinked, clearly taken aback by her tone. "This is Amara, my colleague. We've been working together on a project."

Dian's gaze shifted to Amara, who was watching her with a mix of curiosity and wariness. "Colleague?" she repeated, the word tasting bitter on her tongue. "So, that's it?"

Rustam frowned, clearly not understanding. "What do you mean?"

"Why didn't you respond to my messages?" Dian pressed, her voice rising. "I've been trying to reach you, and you've been ignoring me. But you have time for her?"

Rustam's eyes widened, a look of guilt flashing across his face. "Dian, I—I'm sorry. I've been busy, and I didn't know how to—"

"How to what?" she interrupted, taking a step closer. She could feel the anger bubbling up inside her, mixing with the hurt and confusion. "You didn't know how to what? Respond? Tell me you didn't want to see me? What?"

Rustam glanced at Amara, who looked uncomfortable, then back at Dian. "It's not like that, Dian. I just... I didn't want to hurt you."

Dian laughed, a harsh, bitter sound. "Too late for that, isn't it?"

She could see the guilt in his eyes, but it didn't make her feel any better. If anything, it made the anger burn even hotter. He had been one of the few constants in her life, someone she could turn to, someone who understood her—or at least, she had thought so. But now, seeing him with this woman, it felt like a betrayal.

She turned to Amara, who had been watching the exchange with an unreadable expression. "Do you know how long I've been trying to reach him?" Dian asked, her voice shaking with barely contained anger. "Do you?"

Amara looked startled, glancing at Rustam before answering. "I—I didn't know."

"Of course, you didn't," Dian spat, turning back to Rustam. "Because he never told you, right? Just like he never told me about you."

"Dian, it's not like that," Rustam said, his voice desperate now. He took a step closer, reaching out as if to touch her arm, but she pulled back, glaring at him.

"Don't," she warned, her voice cold. "Don't touch me."

He dropped his hand, looking helpless. "I'm sorry, Dian. I didn't mean to hurt you. I just... I didn't know what to say."

"Then say something now!" she shouted, the words tearing out of her like a storm. "Explain to me why you ignored me, why you chose to be with her instead of answering me!"

Rustam flinched, his expression pained. "I didn't choose her over you. It's not like that."

"Then what is it?" Dian demanded, her voice trembling. "What am I supposed to think when I see you here, with her, looking like—like everything I'm not?"

The words slipped out before she could stop them, and for a moment, there was a stunned silence. She could see the shock in Rustam's eyes, the way his mouth opened and closed as if he didn't know what to say. Even Amara looked taken aback, her eyes widening as she looked between them.

"Dian, I never meant to make you feel like this," Rustam said quietly, his voice filled with regret. "You're important to me, but... I don't know how to be what you want me to be."

Dian stared at him, her heart pounding in her chest. The anger was still there, but beneath it was something else—something raw and aching that made her want to scream, to cry, to break everything around her just to make the pain stop.

"I just wanted you to see me," she whispered, the words barely audible. "I just wanted you to care."

"I do care," Rustam said, his voice breaking. "But I can't be what you need, Dian. I'm sorry."

Dian felt something inside her crumble, the last fragile piece of hope shattering. She took a step back, her eyes burning with unshed tears.

"I'm such an idiot," she muttered, more to herself than to him. "I should've known."

She turned on her heel, walking away as fast as she could, her vision blurred. She didn't want him to see her like this, broken and vulnerable. She had never felt like this before, this intense mix of emotions that she couldn't even name.

It was only when she was alone, hidden away in a dark corner of the base, that she finally let herself break. The tears came in a hot, unrelenting torrent, her body shaking with the force of her sobs. She pressed her hand to her mouth, trying to stifle the sound, but it was no use.

All this time, she had been holding onto this idea of Rustam, this hope that he would see her, choose her, be with her. But it was just a fantasy, a delusion she had created to fill the emptiness inside her.

And now, that emptiness felt all the more crushing.

She didn't know how long she stayed there, curled up in the darkness, her body trembling with the aftershocks of her breakdown. When the tears finally stopped, she felt hollow, drained, as if all the fight had been bled out of her.

But somewhere deep inside, buried beneath the pain and the sorrow, a new resolve was forming. She couldn't rely on Rustam—or anyone else—to fill the void inside her. She had to find a way to stand on her own, to hold herself together even when everything felt like it was falling apart.

She had survived worse. She would survive this.

Dian wiped her eyes, taking a deep, shuddering breath. The pain was still there, a raw wound that would take time to heal, but she was stronger than this. She had to be.

And maybe, one day, she would learn how to be whole again.