Years Of Love

I Broke

I thought I could handle it. I convinced myself that burying my feelings under a pile of late nights and substances would make everything easier. But each day, I could feel the cracks deepening, splintering beneath the surface like fragile glass about to shatter.

The days blur together, each one more suffocating than the last. I'm still wearing my hoodie, still hiding my face, but now even the music can't drown out the chaos in my mind. It's like a storm, raging and relentless, leaving no room for peace. I can't escape it.

I'm sitting in my dorm, alone, the silence pressing in on me. My phone buzzes incessantly with calls and texts from the team, but I can't bring myself to answer. I don't want to hear their concern, their pity, their disappointment. I don't want to feel anything.

But it's too much.

It starts as a tightness in my chest, something I can ignore. But then it grows, constricting, tightening until it feels like a vice around my lungs. I stand up, pacing the small room, hoping movement will help. I can't breathe. I can't think.

Suddenly, it hits me. I'm trapped. I feel the walls closing in, the ceiling lowering, and the panic rises like bile in my throat. My vision blurs, and I stumble to the bathroom, desperate for air.

"Breathe, Paige," I whisper to myself, but my voice is drowned out by the roaring tide of anxiety. I grip the sink, staring into the mirror, the reflection is a stranger. My eyes are wide, red, wild, and filled with fear.

"What's happening to me?" I whisper, tears spilling down my cheeks.

The panic overtakes me, and I slide to the floor, knees pulled to my chest. My breath comes in shallow gasps, and the tears flow freely now, mingling with the overwhelming sense of dread.

I want to scream, to cry out for help, but I can't. I don't want anyone to see me like this. I don't want Azzi, Kk, or any of them to see how far I've fallen.

As I rock back and forth, my thoughts spiral into darkness. I'm a burden. I'm a disappointment. I'll never be enough. I'm losing my grip, and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

Hours pass—or maybe only minutes; I can't tell. Eventually, I manage to calm myself, but the hurt is still there, gnawing at my insides. I can't face anyone like this. I need to disappear.

I crawl into bed, the hoodie still clinging to me like a second skin. I clutch a pillow, squeezing it tight, trying to silence the storm raging inside me. The world outside my window is dark, but the chaos inside me feels like it's on fire.

The next morning, I wake up to the sound of my phone buzzing. I groan, rolling over to ignore it, but it doesn't stop. Reluctantly, I reach for it, blinking away the sleep and panic.

I see the texts:

Azzi: "We're all worried about you. Please let us help."
Kk: "I can come over. Just tell me you're okay."
Ice: "Paige, we miss you. Please answer."

I can't do this. I can't face them. I'm not okay. I'm so far from okay that it terrifies me. I ignore the messages, tossing my phone aside. I know they mean well, but I just can't.

That day stretches into an eternity. I barely leave my bed, wrapped in my hoodie, staring at the wall. My mind races, and the dark thoughts flood back in, pulling me deeper into despair. I'm worthless. I'll never get out of this hole I've dug for myself.

I can't do it. I can't keep pretending. I can't keep fighting.

As night falls, I hear a knock on my door. I freeze, heart racing. I know it's them. They won't give up on me, but I can't handle that right now.

"Paige?" Kk's voice is muffled through the door, filled with concern. "Please open up. We just want to talk."

I squeeze my eyes shut, shaking my head. I can't. I can't face them like this.

The knocking continues, and panic surges again, the walls feeling like they're closing in. "Paige!" Azzi's voice is more urgent now. "Please! We're worried sick about you!"

I can't take it. I spring from my bed, grabbing the nearest object—my phone—and throw it against the wall. It shatters, the sound echoing through the room like a cry for help.

In that moment, everything collapses. I fall to the floor, sobs wracking my body as I curl into a ball. The tears flow freely now, an uncontrollable flood of pain, fear, and loneliness.

And just like that, I break.