Fleeting Moments

1 | Layne

Two pink lines.

Suddenly, my knees seem to be unable to bear my own weight, and I find myself dropping to the floor; the little white stick still in my hands. I reach for the box this test came in, thinking surely it must be invalid. Sure enough, the two dark pink lines staring at me, indicate positive. And maybe it's the nerves, or maybe it's what they call morning sickness, but I hunch over, grabbing the trash can as my lunch is expelled.

What am I going to do?

Hot tears stream down my face as I sit on the floor for what feels like hours, unable to bring myself to stand, unable to form a solid thought. My life is just beginning; I'm two weeks away from college. My boyfriend has a pretty promising football career ahead of him. I'm supposed to get my degree in social work and start a career, maybe even become a therapist. This can't be happening. I can't do this.

I have to tell Sean.

I can't ruin his life like that. He's so excited to start school together, travel on our breaks, make memories. We've never even talked about having kids. I don't even know if he ever wanted them. I don't know if I ever wanted kids. All I've ever dreamed of is helping people, getting this degree to help with the problems you can't physically see.

But this baby is his too. He has the right to know.

And I know that; I can't imagine telling him, but I have to. I find the strength to pull myself up, deciding to brush my teeth and clean up before I go see him. I brush my hair and make myself presentable, but comfortable. A grey, baggy t-shirt, with some black sweatpants and my normal black sneakers. I gather my hair into a pony tail, not wanting to deal with my hair being everywhere. On my way out of the house, I drop the trash bag from my bathroom into the outside garbage can.

Sean only lives about ten minutes away, so the drive doesn't give me much time to mentally prepare, or think of what I'm going to say. I don't bother turning the radio on, I need as much silence as I can get. My car is big enough to travel around with a baby. A 2018 Toyota Camry, white on the outside with tan leather on the inside. Completely spotless. My parents bought me this car for getting into the school of my dreams.

How would I even tell them? I could already picture their disappointment, the shame that would wash over their faces.

I've never felt so anxious and confused. Sean and I have always been careful. My parents have a strict "don't have sex, sex is bad" mentality, rooted in their Christian values. They're the kind of parents I couldn't approach about birth control, too afraid of their reaction. They love Sean, and I can't bear the thought of jeopardizing that. We always use condoms, and we've never had a single slip-up—because we know we're not ready for this.

Tears well in my eyes all over again. I've always supported choice when it comes to a woman's control over her own body and what happens to it; but now that I'm in this position, it's ripping my heart apart even worse to think of having an abortion. Even though I know I'm not ready, even though I feel like I can't do this, the thought of not having this baby is equally as terrifying. Can I even ask anyone for advice? Who would that even be? Morgan, my best friend, has had an abortion before and it seemed to be okay for her. She was a little sad, but she was okay with her decision because she knew that neither her nor the baby would have a decent life if it happened. Her circumstances were much different though. Her pregnancy was the result of an abusive step-father, who unfortunately isn't even in jail for what he did to her.

As I pull into the driveway, my thoughts spiral, but the familiar sight of Sean's home pulls me back to reality—this is where I'll have to face the truth. I've been to this home thousands of times, but I've never come carrying a weight so heavy. His 2018 Honda Civic is here, but no one else's car is. He must be home alone, or he rode with someone else. I didn't think to check his location or ask him before I drove here: my thoughts are too scrambled. I close my eyes, resting my head on the steering wheel after unbuckling. I take a few deep breaths, focusing on calming down. Sean must be home, because I hear my door handle being pulled and my door swinging open.