Fleeting Moments

3 | Layne

I decided to stay with Sean after our date last night. He somehow convinced his mom to let me stay in his room so he could be with me, without letting her know about the pregnancy. It was better to be with him than to be alone, and we had an appointment first thing in the morning. My nerves were eating at me, but Sean was doing his best to show his support for me.

He woke me up with breakfast, just some eggs and bacon. He even got in the shower with me and washed my hair and my back so I wouldn't have to. He reassured me all morning, giving me compliments and telling me how much he loved me. The drive to Dr. Weber's office is about 45 minutes so we left around 8:50 to have plenty of time. Sean held my hand throughout the drive, occasionally lifting it to place a soft kiss. The whole drive I couldn't think of anything to say. My nerves were consuming me. I couldn't tame my thoughts, for or against keeping the baby.

On one hand, I'm terrified it could possibly ruin our plans. I'm not ready to be a mom, I'm young myself. What if I can't give my baby all the attention it needs? I'm afraid of the judgement to come. I'm afraid to face my parents. I'm afraid to face Sean's parents. I'm afraid Sean won't be able to focus on Football, school, and our baby, and what if that means he gives up school or football?

On the other hand, I know if we have this baby, the one thing he isn't giving up on, is that. He'd devote himself to our family and care for me and the baby. He would in fact be there, every step of the way. As mad as our parents may get, they would too. We have support. We were already planning on getting an apartment instead of living in a dormitory, the second bedroom was just going to be for friends or family visiting. We've already signed a lease and picked out most of our furniture. We have space for the baby. Our university is only forty minutes away from home, our apartment is about thirty, so we're still close to family.

My bouncing thoughts make the drive feel like both an eternity, and also like we were only driving for thirty seconds. Sean parking the car is what breaks me away from my thoughts. He turns to me, "we got this."

His smile still gives me butterflies, and I know he means his support one hundred percent. He leans over and kisses me quickly before getting out of the car. He walks around to my side, as he always does, to open my door for me. Whenever I get out, he takes my bag, holding it in one hand. The other hand grabs mine, lacing our fingers snugly together, leading me inside.

Once I'm all checked in, they send me to the bathroom to collect my urine sample. Sean goes with me, and honestly, I wanted him to. My head feels like it's going to explode from embarrassment at any moment. All I can think of anytime we walk past someone is that they know I'm pregnant at such a young age. And knowing that I'm pregnant means knowing I've had sex, which is equally as embarrassing.

It doesn't take long for us to be called back after I give my sample. They take my height and weight, which I have put on about six pounds since I last checked several months ago. The room they lead me to looks like it's all set up for the ultrasound. There's a machine with what looks like a small television, with a wand attached that I sure hope isn't going inside of me. It's got to be half the size of my arm.

"You can have a seat right there," the nurse gestures to the grey medical chair. "And the blue chair to the right is for dad."

Dad. Sean would make an amazing dad. Our baby, now or future, would be lucky to have him.

Sean sits down immediately after I sit down. The nurse checks my blood pressure, asking me a few more questions. Afterwards, she grabs a sheet from a cabinet, handing it to me. "You can leave your top on, but you'll need to remove your pants and underwear. Cover up with this. Dr. Weber will be in just a few minutes to do your ultrasound. Congratulations, you two." The nurse is genuine in her statement, and she gives a final friendly smile before leaving the room.

"I'm guessing if I'm removing my bottoms, that thing has to go in me." I sigh, beginning to remove my bottom layers. Sean smiles immediately, slightly biting his bottom lip. "That look is probably what got us into this mess."

Sean's deep chuckle fills the room, "well, I can't help it. You're beautiful."

"Thank you." I blush, stepping back up onto the chair and sitting on the edge. I covered myself with the sheet as I was instructed and then looked at Sean who was still staring at me.

"Can I confess something?" He inquires seriously.

That statement makes my heart drop. "Not if it's that you don't like me."

He scoffs, offended. "No! I was going to say you still give me butterflies when I look at you."

And that brings butterflies to my stomach and I feel my cheeks turning red. He begins to speak again but a knock on the door stops him. The doctor opens it slightly, "is it okay to come in?"

"Yeah, I'm all good." I answer.

She enters the room with her laptop and clip board, closing the door behind her. "So your pregnancy test did indeed come back positive, let's get this ultrasound done and see how far along you are!" She's enthusiastic, which I'm sure she's trying to be encouraging. But considering I don't know how to feel about this, all the congratulations and excitement further fuel my guilt.

She opens these leg things on the chair that go up into the air. "You can lay back with your butt on the edge, and rest your heels right here in the stirrups." As I'm doing as she instructed, she puts some gloves on before positioning the machine where the three of us can see the screen.

She picks up the terrifying looking wand, applying some gel to it. "Now, this is going to be a little uncomfortable and you're going to feel some pressure. I'm gonna count to three for you."

Her count down makes my heart race all over again. My palms sweat and my body feels like it's heating up so bad I might catch on fire. This is becoming even more real by the second. "And 3."

It doesn't hurt at all, but it is quite uncomfortable. I'm so focused on staring at the ceiling and ignoring my feelings, I don't realize at first that you would be able to instantly see the baby on the screen. "Oh my God." Sean gasps, but it sounds happy. I quickly turn my attention to the screen, seeing the outline of a baby. Even though I have very mixed feelings about this whole thing, it brings tears to my eyes.

Sean is teary eyed, but his smile is even bigger than it was before. His eyes don't leave the screen for a second.

"There's our little bean!" The doctor smiles at us. "I'm going to take some measurements and some pictures for you guys. But so far, I think twelve weeks is pretty spot on."

She continues moving the stick around and typing on the computer. I hear pictures occasionally printing. "Now this does put us right at the time to get some blood work done and a little late for somethings. I'd like to do some blood work today if you guys have time do get on top of things. We can do genetic testing as well as finding out the gender if you'd like."

"We have time." I nod.

"Perfect!" She smiles at me. "I just need a couple more measurements, but everything is looking amazing with the baby so far."

She plays a sound, "this is baby's heartbeat, which sounds phenomenal."

I glance over at Sean, his eyes wide with amazement. His smile seems to get bigger every time I glance over, and his eyes never look away from the screen. He's excited. I don't see a drop of fear in his demeanor anywhere. Maybe he hasn't been strong for my sake, maybe he's just confident we can do this. But I know his confidence would stem from the fact that he would do anything for us, including give up his dreams.

After she finishes up, she passes Sean nine pictures, all attached together. "These are for you guys. Layne, I'm gonna grab you some tissues to clean yourself up, and then I'll give you some time to get dressed before I send the nurse in to get your blood."

"Thank you so much." I nod.

This ultrasound did one thing for sure, abortion for me is no longer an option. After seeing our baby on the screen, hearing the heartbeat, I can't do that. But I don't know if I can raise a child, so for now, that's still up in the air.