Manifest

The Backstory

     I was 15 years old.  I was just a kid.  Sitting in the stark white hospital room that smelled of a mixture of antiseptic and old, mushy, nursing home food.  I knew how old, mushy nursing home food smelled because I can remember visiting my grandma in one, and the food was always a sort of consuming smell.   It made me feel weak in the tummy a lot.   And chemo!  God!  Chemo played with my mind most of all.   I'd been in the hospital for just over two months, and I longed for the sunshine, among other things - like my hair.  It was so much of who I used to be before cancer hit.  It was curly, and thick, and long, and beautiful.  Chemo left me with nothing!  A shiny ball of nothing.  I had to wear beanies alot, and don't get me wrong I could pull off quite the Emo look (especially when I had black eyeliner on).  I just got tired of them, and I missed my hair terribly! 

I'd pulled my blanket from behind me and up over my head, wrapping myself up like a burrito.  Since I didn't have my hair, I needed a new thing, so that's what I'd do.  Wrap myself up in a thick blanket and walk around like it was the dead of winter all the time.

"Dude!  Zander Slade just announced DBS is going to release their new album in August!  Just one more month!"  I turned the page of my magazine to show my best friend Bailey a full, page sized photo of my favorite new band.  Dark Black Soul, or DBS.  They were new to the metal/punk scene.  They were everything that amazing  music should be!  They had a very dismal appearance, wearing black from head to toe.  Zander often rocked black eyeliner with or without false eyelashes, black nail polish, and sometimes even wore faint pink lip balm.  All of this looked amazing against his slightly pale skin, deep dark eyes, super black hair that had natural tendrils to the middle of his back, and facial scruff he'd show off from time to time.  I was a sucker for the gauged out ears and nostril piercing.   He was the man of my dreams.  I often thought of kissing him.  How his wavy lips would kiss me back.    I was not only in love with his amazing good, quirky looks, but with his writing.  His music was much more than just songs.  He was a true poet.  I sometimes loved the lyrics more than the music itself.  The lyrics spoke to me.  Especially now.  I have never thought of death, and life, and cancer more than I have lately.  Would people even care if I died?  Who would come to my funeral?  I could think of a solid four or five that would come, maybe not cry though.  No one knew, but I had my funeral planned.  I had it all written out in my journal.  Everything.  The flowers, what I wanted to buried in, the music, and finally, that I wanted to be laid to rest in my mom's wedding ring. 

Bailey spoke up, "I mean, that's great...I guess?"  Bailey was not a fan of the heavy music I enjoyed as of late.  She was more of a rap and hip/hop kinda girl.  Bailey and I had been friends since pre-school, when I fell off the swing at the playground and began to cry because I fell on my butt.  She came over to dust me off.  Our friendship has been alot like that ever since!  I'd get hurt or sick and she'd be there to dust me off!  But, this was a particular time she couldn't "dust me off" or make it better.  I'd been diagnosed with Leukemia.  An aggressive form, and they began to treat me right away.  Chemo for the win! (Insert jazz hands here).  Bailey would get my school work and bring it to me every Monday and turn it in for me the following Monday.  I had the option of taking a break, or even doing homeschooling, but I said no to  all that nonsense!  I was determined to walk on Graduation day with my peers!   I guess Bailey felt like retrieving my schoolwork was her way of taking care of me.  Maybe in a way it was!

Bailey, lying sideways on her tummy at the foot of my bed, flipped her long, blond hair to look at me with a sour look in her chocolate eyes, and slipped her tennis shoes off.  As they fell to the floor she said, "I honestly don't know what you see in him.  Dude wears makeup!"

I grinned.

"And nail polish! Pink! Even his nails are grown out!"  Her nose always flared out and her forehead wrinkled up when she talked about Zander.  Something about him gave her a disgusted look.