Hidden Desires

13. Smoke gets In Your Eyes

Leah's Point of View

The holiday lights twinkled outside the café, blurred through the glass. But I wasn't really seeing them. My focus was entirely on Jenn, on her silence, on the way she was looking at me like she'd been caught in a lie she didn't know how to explain.

I couldn't shake the image of Sofia's face when she mentioned the pregnancy test. A test Jenn had taken... without telling me. My chest tightened, the weight of the unspoken questions pressing in.

"Jenn," I said again, this time softer, but firmer. "You took a pregnancy test without telling me?"

She bit her lip, avoiding my gaze. Her fingers curled around the mug of cocoa, and for a moment, she just stared down into the cup as though it held the answers. Finally, she let out a small sigh and shook her head.

"It wasn't a pregnancy test," she whispered. "It was an ovulation test."

I blinked, trying to make sense of her words. "An ovulation test?"

She nodded, her eyes lifting to meet mine, hesitant. "I... I was curious. I still get my periods, and I just wanted to see if I'm still ovulating. That's all."

I felt a mixture of relief and confusion, but also something else...something heavier. The tension in my shoulders didn't ease. Instead, a new weight settled there. "So... you were checking to see if you could get pregnant?"

Jenn's eyes widened slightly, her mouth opening to respond, but I couldn't stop the words from tumbling out. "Do you realize how much pressure this puts on me?" I asked, my voice tight, harsher than I meant it to be. "It feels like every move you make lately is about us having a baby. I can't breathe without feeling like I'm being pushed into something I'm not sure I want."

Her face softened, guilt flickering in her expression. "Leah, it wasn't like that. I wasn't trying to pressure you. I was just curious-"

"Curious?" I interrupted, shaking my head as I ran a hand through my hair. "Jenn, you didn't even tell me. You just... did it. Without talking to me first. That's not curiosity. That's... that's you making decisions alone."

The silence between us was heavy, both of us waiting for the other to say something, to break through the thick fog that had settled around this conversation.

"I'm sorry," Jenn said softly, her voice cracking. "I didn't mean for it to feel like that. I've just been... I don't know... I wanted to know if I even could. I wasn't sure."

I let out a slow breath, trying to calm the frustration bubbling inside me. "Jenn, I understand wanting to know. But every time we talk about this, I feel like I'm drowning. You've been talking about having a baby for months. And now, you're testing to see if you're ovulating. It feels like no matter what I say or how long I need, it's not enough time for you."

Her apology lingered in the air, but it wasn't enough to take the weight off my chest. I could see the regret in her eyes, but it didn't change the fact that this wasn't the first time she'd pushed this without considering me. Without asking.

"I'm sorry," she said again, softer this time, her eyes pleading with me to understand. "I didn't mean to hurt you, Leah. I just... I didn't think it would be this big of a deal."

Those words struck a nerve. My fingers tightened around my own mug as I stared at her. Didn't think it would be this big of a deal? Was she serious? How could she not see?

"Not a big deal?" I repeated, my voice sharper than I intended. "Jenn, we've talked about this. Again and again. I've told you I'm not ready to make this decision, and here you are... testing if you can still get pregnant? Do you not see how that feels like you're just going ahead with things without me?"