Phil had hoped.
Even though he had figured out Dan's stance on gay people from his posts, he still had hoped that Dan would make an exception for him.
It didn't seem like that was the case.
He'd replay the events from that evening in his mind constantly.
The look that Dan had given him. Pity mixed with sadness and disgust. He had hated it so much.
The way Dan just said "Oh okay" before leaving hurriedly.
He hated the fact that even then he had a small amount of hope that nothing would change between them.
Oh how wrong he had been.
Dan would respond to his texts with one or two-word messages, sometimes not even that.
After a week Phil had given up and he hadn't heard from the boy since.
Yet he still lay awake at night, thinking about what could've been.
Dan had made him happier than anyone else. He felt like he truly understood him and losing him had a bigger impact on him than he had thought.
He felt his eyes tear up, as they did every night. He buried his face in his pillow and cried.
As he did every night.
----------------------------------------------------
Dan wasn't doing well.
He had trouble focusing on his tasks and getting things done. Even during service he found himself lost in his thoughts, not being able to pay attention to what was going on.
He just couldn't get his mind off of Phil.
Phil had been one of the best friends he ever had, he was kind, funny, loved all the things Dan did and was so easy to talk to.
But he was gay.
And Dan couldn't have that sort of influence in his life. Not anymore.
But a small part of him wished he didn't care.
As soon as he thought about that, panic set in. He closed his eyes tightly and prayed.
It made him feel safe, and distracted him from his thoughts.
But lately it had gotten harder and harder to do that. His mind often drifted to what could have been if just a few things changed.
If his parents hadn't seen his texts with that boy when he was 12.
If he was never sent to the church to get "counseling" and be "guided to the right path", as his mom had put it.
He felt so guilty for thinking like this. His mom was only trying to help him after all. She just didn't want her beloved son to be punished in the afterlife.
Hell was one of Dan's biggest fears, ever since he had started counseling.
He would barely be able to sleep for nights in a row because of the fear that he might end up in that wretched place.
The intrusive thoughts that plagued him started leading to severe panic attacks, that his parents had been dismissing as "normal".
How could they look at their own child crying in fear, kneeling on the bedroom floor and sobbing, praying for forgiveness, when his own wrongdoings were unkown even to him.
Hours he had spent praying, asking for salvation preventively, only barely surviving, not having the courage to live, in fear that he would be punished for it.
Over the years he had gotten better at shoving all the thoughts and fears deep inside, hiding them from the world and from himself, even though they were slowly eating away at him and he knew one day he would have to confront them.
He didn't think it would be this early, though, but since he had met Phil he knew something was wrong.
He felt himself get excited and happy everytime he texted him, he found himself thinking about Phil multiple times a day but he lies to himself and told himself he just wanted a good friend.
But when Phil had told him he was gay, he heard his mother's words in his head.
"He just wants to corrupt you, stay around him for too long and you will be punished in the end"
But it wasn't Phil's fault.
It wasn't anyone's fault but his own. This is what he was and he would burn in hell for eternity for it, even though he can't help it.
Dan felt the sickness in his stomach. His chest felt tight, heart beating faster, breath getting shorter. He got down on his knees, knowing what was coming. He felt light-headed as he pressed his forehead to the hardwood floor and closed his eyes and prayed.
He tried so hard to push those thoughts back to the back of his head, but he couldn't.
"You'll never escape your fate"
"You're disgusting and you'll be punished for it"
"You will die and go to hell, where you will suffer for eternity"
"There is no salvation"
"Everything about you is wrong"
He closed his eyes tighter and prayed but his thoughts were taking over him.
He was hyperventilating now, as he got up, realizing this wouldn't help anymore.
He lost his balance, tripping and, as he tried to grab onto anything to not fall, he accidentalky knocked down a glass on the table.
It fell and shattered in front of him, the loud noise making the swirling thoughts pause for a mere second, as he stared at the broken glass in front of him.
His parents weren't home for a few days, having gone to visit relatives who had an emergency, so he was alone.
He fell back down on his hands and knees, landing on the sharp glass shards.
The sudden pain in his palms and legs shor through him, dulling the ache in his chest and stomach and making him forget all his thoughts for an instant.
He remembered what he used to do when he was younger, when the prayers didn't work.
His mom had never found out but he had stopped once he managed to control his thoughts.
Slowly, with shaking hands he grabbed a handful of shards and closed his fists tightly, feeling the pain course through him.
It felt so good, like he had just gotten a shot of morphine after being in terrible pain for days.
He watched the blood drip from his hands onto the floor.
For a few moments he felt at peace, before sonehow everything collapsed back down on him again.
He panicked, holding the glass tighter, but it wasn't helping anymore. He dropped it, before finding a bigger shard and, without thinking, he pressed it down on his thigh, slicing.
He watched as the wound started bleeding, but, with horror, he realized he had felt nothing.
No pain to dull the thoughts, nothing.
He felt like he was going to pass out.
Never had he felt so hopeless before, he didn't know what to do.
Just then an idea struck him. It was the worst idea he could've had, but at that moment he realized that if he passed out died right then, nothing else could save him from the eternal suffering.
If he lived a bit more, he could have a chance at salvation.
He reached for his phone and, shaking, through blurry tears, found Phil's contact and called.
