Cinnamon

- infinity -

TW FOR THIS CHAPTER: talk about past sexual assault, I will list a clear start and end to the scene if you wish to skip it. :)

That night, after the plans had been formed and the shopping had started, Tyler and Josh walked to Josh's bedroom, where Tyler automatically climbed into bed. He shook his shoes off, and contemplated taking off his socks as well, but decided that warmth would trump the need for his feet to be free. Josh smiled as Tyler crawled under the blankets, rearranging them so Josh could fit too.

"Sorry, I'm cold. And tired," Tyler said, snuggling up into the blankets. Josh laughed, and took off his shoes, climbing in with him.

"Mmm, long day, huh?" Josh whispered, staring at Tyler lovingly. Tyler didn't respond, he just kissed Josh quickly, bringing him as close as possible as their lips connected messily. Josh thought he was dying. He was going to heaven, and this was the ticket inside. "Mm, what's with all the kisses, lovie?" Josh asked, laughing as Tyler began to paw at his shirt with his tiny little hands.

"Want you. You're warm." Tyler whispered. Josh smelled his hair, it smelled like the candy you get in your stockings. He felt his lips, they felt like what home felt like.

"T-tyler," Josh whispered into his mouth, silent prayers that this would last forever.

"Josh," Tyler said, moving against his tongue. They kissed together, for longer than they had before. Soon, the touches began a little more desperate. Heavy breaths into the other's mouth, and dark spots on their necks. The smell of love, the holidays, the smell of feeling ok for the first time in a while.

"I love you so much," Tyler whispered, putting his hands under Josh's shirt. Maybe it was the peppermint schnapp he had earlier, maybe he was just this drunk on love, but something inside of Josh had a bit more desire than other days. A bit more of a response to his touches. Almost like he had forgotten about that hidden part of him from so long ago.

"Josh? Love, you spaced out..." Tyler looked at Josh a little concerned.

"Oh, did I? Y-yeah no, I'm fine. I'm... yeah." Josh said, his mind racing with the past and future.

"Are you sure? I'm sorry, I may have gone a bit fast there," Tyler said, squeezing Josh's hand. Josh swallowed, he knew he would have to say something sooner or later about his dark past.

"N-no, It wasn't- I'm- I don't know," Josh said, rubbing his nose. "I have-I have something to tell you, Tyler I just...It's hard to um... to talk about." Josh could feel his heart pounding, like the world wanted to do one thing, and that one thing was to crush him.

"Hey hey, no." Tyler placed a hand on Josh's arm, hugging him closer. "You can tell me anything. You can cry, you can laugh, it doesn't matter. I'm here." Those words alone were enough to make tears form in Josh's eyes.

"Tyler. Tyler I-I.. I-he.. I can't." Josh choked out. Tyler kissed his cheek.

"It's ok."

Start to TW

"I feel so bad, I want to touch you. I really do, I just need to know if I'm doing the right thing... I don't doubt you at all, it's this stupid trauma. This stupid fucking trauma that makes loving you so so hard, and I'm sorry," Josh cried, hugging Tyler's body gently.

"What kind of trauma?" Tyler asked softly. Josh blinked a few times, before sighing.

"So, when I was 16, there was this boy. I loved him so much, Tyler. So much that I was willing to give every aspect of myself away for him. I let him do things to me that I shouldn't have, and I felt so bad afterwards, always. Now, I don't give myself away anymore, even when I want to. I want to take small steps with you, Tyler. I just.. I might get scared at first, and I want you to understand it's not your fault, it's mine." Josh whispered that last sentence with tears in his eyes.

Tyler's heart shattered, and he held Josh closely.

"I-I didn't know," He said. "I'm so sorry that happened. I promise, you're safe with me. I love you, and I never ever want you to do anything you don't know if you want to do." Tyler kissed his forehead, the smell of Josh making him happier than he could ever be. "I'm so lucky to have you in my life."

"I'm so lucky for you too. Thank you, I just- I don't think I'll be able to have sex for a really long time," Josh said, shuddering at his memories. Tyler squeezed his hand, reassuring him.

"To be honest, me neither. I never really thought I needed anything sexual to be happy with someone I love. Snuggles are enough." Tyler kissed Josh, and he blushed and smiled.

End of TW

"I do.. I do want to do- to try something, though. I-I want to take a step with you," Josh said, tugging softly on the collar of his own shirt. Tyler blushed, realizing what he meant. Josh hesitated, but lifted his shirt over his torso.

Tyler was speechless. His freckles looked like stars on his chest, every muscle was so perfectly placed. His eyes were wide and trusting. Everything about him was beautiful and honest, and oh my god Tyler was going to cry.

"Josh- oh Josh.. You're so pretty," Tyler whispered, quickly moving to hug him. He was so thankful to have Josh. His boyfriend, his best friend, his favorite person in the world. "I'm so proud of you, Jishwa."

Josh just smiled, letting vulnerable tears run down his face and into Tyler's hair. He had wanted to do this for so long, he was so thankful to have Tyler. His partner, his best friend, someone he would never ever let go of.

"Can I kiss you?" Tyler asked, and Josh nodded.

"Please, Tyler."

Tyler did as he was asked, kissing Josh like it was the only thing he knew how to do. His lips moved across his lover's, their tongues dancing gently on thin ice. Tyler was on top of Josh while blankets covered them, and the one thing in his mind was how bad he wanted to stay like this for infinity.