a sixteen year friendship with a psychopath

a psychopath...

I was born like this.

I cannot feel emotions, I can be violent and impulsive, and most of all...

I cannot understand love.

Yes, I am a psychopath.

From the very first moment I was conceived, to this very moment to where I breathe.

I am no different from what I was yesterday and the day after that. I doubt I would be any different in the days after either.

But as it is in life, I woke up one day to find myself a bit different than yesterday.

I noticed the sunlight felt a bit warmer on my cold skin, the cereal having more crunch and fruit in it, and a stunningly brighter world than my undersaturated one.

Did life ever feel this lively before? I don't think so.

I called my friend, a friend I used to never care much about but still kept around, and told him about a revelation I had while observing a very vibrant red rose.

I can feel emotions. Joy, sadness, anxiety.

It was all there. I did know what they were, but to understand them and to feel them, I did not.

It was like an emptiness in my being had finally been filled in.

He pulled up on the driveway and I felt excited. I accidentally pricked my finger on the rose's thorn and let out a wince of pain.

He stood there, shocked at my reaction.

I stared down at my bleeding finger, mesmerized by the blood.

My eyes felt wet, and my heart pounded as fast as a racehorse running.

He rushed over and hugged me, as sobs escaped my throat.

I felt human. I am human.

"Congratulations," he said while smiling brightly at me, boasting his perfect teeth, "Welcome to the world of the sane."

I hit him lightly on the shoulder and laughed. Genuinely and wholeheartedly, nothing like the fake ones I used to do.

I could feel his eyes linger on me. I smiled back at him.

He looked flustered and shook his head. I thought it was pretty cute of him.

The next months were like a dream, everything felt so alive.

I felt alive.

The burgers and fries from the local diner never tasted this juicy and meaty. The moon and the stars never looked so ethereal against the dark drapes of the night sky. The rain never seemed so fun, and wet, and freeing.

My mother had brilliant hazel eyes that twinkled whenever she cooked dinner. My father smelled of the loveliest herbs as he spent all day in his backyard garden. My sister does a little teasing scoff when she talks to me.

And the friend I never cared about might be possibly one of the most marvelous people I ever had the pleasure of meeting.

He had rich light-brown eyes in contrast of his ghostly pale skin and stylish black hair. He was short, had the most prettiest freckles sprinkling across his cheeks, and his thick nerdy glasses selling his whole 'smart Asian kid' thing.

I had befriended him for his grades, but perhaps I should've been better than that.

Maybe I should've appreciated him from the very start, because he already proved everything was this amazing from the very beginning.

He was the person who loved me even when I was a freak.

And I finally understood love for the first time when he kissed me in the broom closet.

I took my family on a trip, and my lover—just everywhere we used to go.

I wanted to re-experience everything again, to appreciate them again.

Because I felt like it would be taken away if I even take one moment to breathe—

...

I am right. It wasn't meant to last forever.

I collapsed while I was at the carnival with my darling dearest.

I remember his worried face, the bouquet of red roses I was going to give him, and the bright sun above us.

It was something. Pressing on my brain, and allowing me to feel emotions.

It was either to die feeling emotions, or go back to living without them.

"I can't." I begged my lover. "I can't go back. Not when I can finally feel everything. Not when—"

He hugged me tightly. His warmth was everything to me.

I loved him far too much.

I loved everything far too much.

My family didn't like the news any more than I did. They didn't want the freak back.

I will die a feeling human.

But my dearest friend and lover, the way he looks at me makes my heart feel like it's been stabbed a thousand needles and burned with the most toxic acid.

I fell asleep to his tune.

And then I woke up again.

I am born a psychopath, and I will continue living like so.

It's the natural order of life, and I do not hold the rights to challenge it any further.

So, until the day I can perceive this world again in it's brilliant glory...

And you, in all of your beauty...

Please keep being the friend I don't care about, my darling dearest.