trick's livejournal

April 10th

Two tragedies on the same day, a year apart. One I thought I loved and the other I knew did. Well, I know it still love you, and it hurts to even think about something different, but all things come to an end. Even if I couldn't die in your arms like I wanted, I'll care for you. I'll get over myself at some point, and I'll miss late night conversations when you said I meant the world. I knew that would end, I knew from the beginning. How could anyone love a hopeless mess when all I do is drag others down? Know I'm just being an asshole, as usual. Even if you don't love me, I know you did once, and you don't have to love me ever again, I don't care, just know I cared. I'll pretend like everything is okay, just so I don't make you feel guilty, and so I don't think too hard about it. I wish you well, it's almost like it never happened, but it has. Hard to believe I've put myself in such a position again, even though I told myself I wouldn't. Life is simply falling apart and I'm trying so hard to keep all the stitches together, but don't worry about me, I'm fine, I'll be just fine for you. I can barely talk now, breath caught between heartbreak and shock, but I'm fine. I can't stop shaking and thinking about how much better I could have been. The things I could have done to make you love me a bit longer. But it's fine, I'll be fine. Until another heartbreaks because of me.

- Pat

written 4/10/24