Original works

[7]

[written in 2023]

I never get why I feel so angry and hurt when I hear they love you. My chest fills with fire and daggers, cutting up my insides and making me feel like I'm spiraling. Maybe I overthink it all; I should just let go of the feelings I've held on to for so long and free myself of such a burden, yet you tell me it's ok to feel this way. But you told me today that I shouldn't be jealous, but what I feel isn't envy or jealousy; I feel hurt and betrayed. You said forever. I said forever. You lied, I didn't. Now I could be wrong and simply upset and childish, feeling like my favorite toy was taken from me. I'm not saying your a toy; I only use this example to show how a child will have one item that they love dearly and refuse to give up. Same as me to you, I refuse to let you go or stop loving you; I can't.

I want you to love me as you once did, although I know you won't. You don't see me for who I am, but as a memory of who I played the part of. Am I too much for you now? Does my authentic self scare you? And my face—you only love it when I look like someone I never was but am now. What do I need to be to make you love me?

Maybe in another life, another universe, I think that you may love me for who I am and not who or what I was. That you could understand I never wanted to let go, and that I won't ever let go. No matter who I talk to or who I see, it always goes back to you, and I can't help it. My mind only wants you, and that won't change; it can't change. I hope that if you ever read these unsent letters, you can see that I never gave up; I let all the feelings out; I just never made you have to see them. I know better; if you heard them directly, you would be hurt that I never said anything, and I don't want to hurt you at all; I never have. I just hope whatever you do when another says they love you is the right thing. I hope you're happy and smile. I know whoever you love will be lucky; I know I was.