A Court of Three Stars

15: Peace

House of Song, Velaris, Prythian

Ruhn

The portal gave me a migraine.

I was rubbing my temples when we walked back into Leur's archives, that honey cinnamon smell of the House of Song hit into me like a ton of bricks. Feyre and Rhys were sitting on one of the couches, a book in Feyre's hand and a steaming cup of tea next to her. But in Rhys's arms, a little baby cooed.

Nyx, I realized. My cousin.

Leur made a beeline straight for them.

"Give me my nephew." She practically demanded, a bright light in her eyes, scarred hands making little grabbing motions.

When I watched Leur take that baby in her arms, nothing but a head of jet black hair, tiny wings, and deep navy shadows, something in me cracked. The smile on her face, the sight of her lavender shadows swirling around the babe she held in her arms, the love in her eyes. After seeing the caves, that wound inside of me was fresh and raw, the realization of just how much I had missed out on, just what had been taken from me.

And now, I had a front row seat to exactly what my life should have been like.

Bryce and Hunt drifted over into some other corner of the room, my sister's cheeks still flushed from the afternoon she just had with her new pegasus. Azriel moved to stand behind Leur, like a shadow looming behind her, softness in his eyes as he stared at the babe she held.

But I was just standing here.

Rationally, I should have been shoving this down inside of me. I should have been over there meeting my cousin and forcing a smile on my face. But I felt as if I could not move, as if I was stuck in this spot, forced to witness what should have been but never could be.

As if I could do nothing but watch as a hole in my heart ripped open, blood leaking out with every pounding beat.

I needed to move. I needed to do something other than stand here.

"I swear he's already grown." Leur laughed, swirling shadows over the babe's head like a personal mobile.

"He'll be strong." Rhys noted, every bit a proud father.

I hated this. I hated it so much. I needed to be somewhere else, anywhere but here, anything but this.

How fucking pathetic was it that I was jealous of a newborn baby?

What kind of asshole would hate that kid this much for simply having things I would never get?

I could have sworn there were bricks on my feet as I forced them to move, one step, then two, then three. And there was nothing but the slow death of my own heartbeat as I left the room, as I ran up the stairs, past level after level after level. I didn't even know what I was looking for, what I was so desperate to find, until I was on the roof, until I was free and could breathe again.

The fresh air and the wind felt as if it had broken away that weight on me, and I didn't even realize I was gasping for air until I got it. I didn't even realize just how hard everything had closed in on me until it was gone, and I was leaning over the railing of the roof just trying to breathe.

"I'd ask if you were okay, but I already know the answer." A voice sounded behind me.

I turned, only to see myself standing behind me.

No, not myself. Rhys.

"I'm sorry." I practically panted, "I don't know what that was."

His eyes narrowed a bit, a knowing look, "I do."