𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙤𝙛 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙙𝙞𝙧𝙩 - 𝙩𝙬𝙙

ten

Evan

"What are you doing when you disappear with Milton?" Eli sat on the end of the bench, chin rested on his knees. He reminded Evan of a mouse.

"Has anyone ever told you that you look like Stuart Little?" Evan questioned, trying to dodge the question. He hated not telling Eli, it drove him insane, but he knew Eli wouldn't understand, nobody but him, Milton and his dad could, and even his dad didn't want him to part of it. He tried to justify it as science, but for some reason it still felt inhumane to him, just like killing the walkers.

"Why are you dodging my question?"

Evan sighed, slamming his book shut a bit too hard. He let his gaze fall over to his dad's office window. There was a lot of things recently he had weird feelings about, and not just the research him and Milton did in the office.

"Are you going on that run with Merle this afternoon?" Evan asked softly. He knew Eli noticed him ignoring his questioning, but Eli just sighed in acceptance.

"No. He said he has it handled himself." Eli picked a thread on the hem of his teeshirt, he didn't look up at Evan.

He felt so washed over with guilt, he felt sick to his stomach. He hated keeping secrets. It ate away at him.

It fell silent as Evan let his eyes wander the streets. All these people, they had no idea about the breakthroughs him and Milton were making in the basement.

"Hey, Evan! Come take my shift!" Merle called out. Evan felt relief that he had an escape from the conversation. He shot Eli a weak smile before jogging up to the wall, watching Merle hop down.

"I'm headed out. Let your dad know...Also..." he lowered his voice to a mumble, "Milton said none of your weird research shit tonight. We had uh... A mishap."

Evan nodded before climbing up the wall. He awkwardly took a seat in one of the fold out chairs as Martinez chatted with another man about different types of guns.

Beside him Michonne stood. Michonne made him feel uneasy. He could feel her staring down at him. He glanced up, their eyes meeting for an uncomfortable second. He wondered if she overheard Merle. He began biting the inside of his cheek, feeling himself start to worry.

He turned his eyes straight forward to the road ahead, but he could feel two sets of eyes on him. Michonne and Eli.

As the sun crept through the sky throughout the day Evan felt himself getting antsy. He needed to talk to Milton.

"Wonder where Dixon is. Sun's going down," Martinez cracked his back. Evan began making his way towards the ladder as he heard Michonne scoff. Martinez turned towards her, an eyebrow raised.

"The hell are you laughing at?" He stepped towards Michonne. Michonne didn't budge, didn't even blink.

"Nothing," She spat out harshly. She looked at Evan. He quickly made his way down the ladder and he started speed walking away. Michonne scared him, she was everything he could never be.

Her footsteps quickened behind him. He felt almost like a sad little kitten, or some kind of prey. He didn't speed up his pace as she followed behind. She reached him, stepping in the way of his path and looking around.

"I know what you're doing in the basement."

The words made his heart stop, his eyes widened and he just started at her, lips parted. He said nothing.

"I know you're just a kid but you aren't stupid. That trailer you were keeping of those... things-"

"What? What trailer?" He whispered back. Her gaze softened. He furrowed his eyebrows, staring intently at her. "You mean the ones for the fights? Those aren't-"

"Fights? What fights?"

"Uhm... every Friday night we send someone into an area to fight each other with the walkers, usually Dixon but- "

"Do you realize how crazy that is?"

Evan opened his mouth to reply but he said nothing. He never went, it made him feel sick, although his dad had promised the walkers would never be able to really hurt someone. He looked down at his feet. She was right, a lot of things that they did in Woodbury were crazy and immoral but he loved his dad, and he never wanted to think too deeply about things out of fear of knowing something he didn't want to.

"My.. My dad is a good man." Was all he managed to say. He didn't even know if he believed that fully anymore. It was just what his brain told him to say, because he had been so hardwired to protect and praise his dad. He heard Michonne sigh heavily.

"I need your help."

...

Evan sat on the end of his bed, head in his hands. He wondered if he made a mistake. What if Andrea found out? What if she was mad at him? What if she told his dad? What would he even say? Why did he help Michonne?

He didn't understand, he loved his dad, and he loved Woodbury, but he also knew why Michonne would want to leave. He understood why the caged walkers and the fights and his dad scared her, because she didn't understand. But he understood it all. He did. He did. He did..?

"You look down." His dad's voice made him jump. He stood out of instinct, clearing his throat.

"Just thinking... You uh... have a good day?"

"Day's not over yet. Dixon just got back from his run, brought me a surprise. Just came to check on you." He leaned in Evans doorway. Evan swallowed the lump in his throat, nodding.

"Surprise?"

"Ah, nothing you need to worry about... You alright?"

Evan gave a weak smile. Guilt ate him away, he hated this. He loved his dad. He loved his dad since the day he was born. His dad was domineering and harsh and secretive but he loved him.

"Yeah... I'm alright... Could I uh... come with you?"

"Oh no, Evan. You need to just worry about your wall duties and training. You need to get to bed."

"I really... I really miss you, dad." Evan felt his lip quiver as he said it. His dad stared at him through his eyebrows, his eyes flickering to the floor.

"Evan, don't cry, son." But it wasn't a comforting tone, it was the same corrective tone Evan had recieved his entire life, and he did miss his dad. He missed his dad yelling at him in the car after swim meets. He missed his dad telling him to fix his posture. He missed his dad asking him if he was sissy, because although his dad was an asshole before, at least he was there. He had been a present dad then and now he was a shell of himself.

Phillip turned on his heel, stepping out of the room. Evan didn't know why he chased after him, maybe it was guilt or desperation.

"Dad, please!" He watched his dad place his hand on the doorknob, "I know I was never your favorite, and I understand that, I do. I miss Penny too but... I'm the only kid you have left now so-"

A swift burn to the side of his face. His hand flew up to his cheek as it throbbed. Phillip breathed heavy, staring at Evan. All Evans tears rolled down his face now, stinging the slap. He had hit him. His dad had hit him.

Phillip pointed a finger at him harshly, stepping towards him.

"You don't ever disrespect your little sister like that, you hear me? Huh?! She loved you! And you were a terrible, terrible brother and son!" And with that the door slammed. Evan stood there awhile, swallowing in the emptiness of the room, of the burn on his face. He didn't remember his dad's hands being that big. But his words were venom, more poisonous than any hit his dad could give him. They ate away at his skin, at his organs. They stung so bad he could feel it in his chest and hear it in his mind.

Bad brother. Bad son. Bad brother. Bad son... Terrible brother. Terrible son.