Inhibited, Exhilarated

Chapter 7

"This was bound to happen eventually. I've been fooling myself stalling as long as I have. In any case, you can deny any knowledge of this. You had no idea. They can't accuse you of being my accomplice because you truly didn't know, so you'll be able to continue working at Wellsprings. As for me? Well, a few people have been itching to replace me for a long time and now they have the perfect excuse."

He's been pacing for minutes now. He hasn't even taken off his blazer and shoes as he normally does at the end of the day.

"Solas, wait. What are you talking about?" Ellana asks, trying to make eye contact with him. Since they arrived it seems to be impossible. His gaze is darting from the floor to his hands, to the couch and the windows looking at the city skyline outside. Ellana doesn't know when he went from being paralyzed on the couch, to this frenzy of pacing and talking nonstop.

"Isn't it obvious? I've been exposed as a fraud. Here I am, talking of Tevinter's breach of contract this entire weekend when I've been breaching mine all these years. Those two knew exactly what they were doing. They called the press, drugged me, and made sure the whole world could see the result."

His voice is reaching a dangerous edge. He doesn't need to elevate his volume to sound menacing. It's the ice in his words, the way his mouth snarls as if he's puking every sentence. As if he's finally spitting out a venom gnawing and tainting his insides for years on end. It's the distance of his gaze, looking without looking, shielding himself from something, someone. From the whole world.

Ellana doesn't dare to step closer to him. Not yet at least. He's standing in the middle of the lounge area, where he's been pacing nonstop for minutes. She remains close to the bedroom door, just in case she needs to put a physical barrier between them. She hates the thought, but perhaps his current state makes him a real hazard for her.

"Are you talking about the Fade inhibitor drug?" she asks, tentatively. "I thought you took it. May I ask why you don't?"

Mr. Harel chuckles and the sound he makes is a disguised sob. He opens his suitcase, rummages into the inner pocket, and produces a plastic bag. He opens it and presents a small yellow container.

"You mean this thing?" he says, throwing it her way.

Ellana catches it mid-air, her reflex fueled by adrenaline rather than a keen eye. She studies the label and composition. When she reads the name "Montfort Pharmaceutics", she knows for a fact this is the drug that all mages must take. The thing that ought to prevent them from casting spells, the medication that cuts their connection to the Fade, protecting them and everyone else from demon possession. This is the pill that is supposed to prevent an accidental outburst of magic like the one that shocked Mr. Gesmark this evening. She opens the lid and peers inside. It's full.

She lifts her gaze to him. He's studying her reaction.

"Have you ever taken sleeping pills?" he asks.

"I have. Years ago," Ellana says, unable to see the parallel between both drugs.

"What did it feel like?"

"Like I was sleeping with one eye open. Like I was weirdly aware of me sleeping, yet I wasn't. I mean, I took it a few times when I really had to catch up on some sleep during my university years. I was working and studying and some days I was too tense to fall asleep, but I had to, but the morning after I'd usually feel drained and..."

"A dreamless night, right?"

Ellana looks at him. He's looking at her expectantly. There's a sadness in his eyes, something she's never seen before. A dark well of unknown pain tucked inside him, and he's allowing her to see but a glimpse of its true depth.