UNCERTAIN

3. Cracks in the Surface

In the midst of all this chaos, there was Leah, her girlfriend. Leah was the one part of Ariel’s life that didn’t come with pressure or expectation. But even in their relationship, Ariel struggled. She knew she wasn’t a good girlfriend—not by her own standards, and certainly not by the standards of others. She often made excuses when she couldn’t message Leah back, blaming schoolwork, exhaustion, or anything else she could think of.

Leah, understanding as always, never complained. She would send sweet messages, updating Ariel on her day, sharing little moments from her life. Ariel appreciated it, but responding felt like a chore. Her mind was too consumed with deadlines and anxiety to focus on their relationship. Days would pass before she would even think to send a reply, and when she did, it was often rushed and short.

It wasn’t that Ariel didn’t care about Leah. She did, in her own way. But love—whatever it was supposed to be—felt distant and abstract to her. She wasn’t sure if she was capable of giving it fully, of being the kind of girlfriend Leah deserved. Sometimes, when Leah asked to visit her at her condo, Ariel would find herself making excuses again. She couldn’t bear the thought of anyone seeing her in the state she was in—exhausted, overwhelmed, a shell of herself.

But sometimes, the guilt would catch up to her. Ariel knew that as a girlfriend, she had certain responsibilities. She couldn’t ignore Leah forever. So, on those rare days when she wasn’t drowning in assignments or anxiety, she would go visit her. She’d force herself to smile, to act like everything was fine, even when it wasn’t. Leah, patient and kind as always, never pressed her for more than she was willing to give.

Still, deep down, Ariel knew this wasn’t sustainable. She knew she was giving Leah the bare minimum, and she wondered how long Leah would be willing to accept it.

One evening, Ariel sat in her room, staring blankly at her thesis draft. Her fingers hovered over the keyboard, but the words refused to come. Her mind was too cluttered, too exhausted to think straight. She leaned back in her chair, rubbing her tired eyes. Her phone buzzed with a message from Leah.

“Hey, how are you? I’ve been thinking about you. I know you’re busy, but I miss you.”

Ariel sighed, feeling a wave of guilt wash over her. She hadn’t replied to Leah’s last few messages. She hadn’t visited her in almost two weeks. Leah deserved more, but Ariel didn’t know if she had anything more to give.

“I’m sorry. I’m just really busy with school,” she typed back. It wasn’t a lie, but it wasn’t the whole truth either. She stared at the message for a moment before hitting send, then immediately felt a pang of regret.

Leah replied quickly, as she always did. “I understand. But remember, it’s okay to take a break sometimes. You don’t have to do everything alone.”

Ariel felt a lump form in her throat. Alone. That’s how she felt most of the time. Alone in her struggles, alone in her doubts, alone in her confusion. Even with Leah by her side, Ariel couldn’t shake the feeling that she was navigating this life on her own.

Her phone buzzed again. “Maybe I could come over and we could hang out? I won’t stay long if you have work to do. I just want to see you.”

Ariel hesitated. Her first instinct was to say no, to make another excuse. But something stopped her. Maybe it was the exhaustion, or maybe it was the realization that Leah had been so patient, so understanding. Ariel didn’t want to keep pushing her away.

“Okay,” she replied. “You can come over.”

When Leah arrived at her condo later that evening, Ariel felt the tension in her body ease ever so slightly. They sat together on the couch, not saying much at first. Leah didn’t ask about school or the thesis, didn’t pry into Ariel’s stress or exhaustion. Instead, she simply held Ariel’s hand, a quiet reminder that she wasn’t as alone as she felt.

For a moment, Ariel allowed herself to breathe. She didn’t know if this was love, but it was something. Something real, something steady. And for now, that was enough.