I genuinkey feel so pathetic and shit LIKEE what.I wish I was like genuinley self centered so people didn't like me because they don't deserve me half of the time. I cant say anything properly irl and I'm slowly detaching from the group I've known for 3 years and grappling onto a new one. this is like oh for me and I just don't know what to do. whenever I sit with my friends I've known for years, a lot of the time nobody really lays attention to me or talks to me unless I start up something and I want to not like eatwith thwm but I do know that I feel more safe with my other/newer friends now? I don't know I don't think I should be here. I kind of want to feel bad but I cant and my online friends are my only source of comfort and I'm scared of them just like leaving one day the most like irl idc but I've become so attached to my online friends I would never be able to process if one of them died. Crying burns. I can't trust my old friend group. It always feels like they'll just tell someone or if I do something they'll talk about it constantly. I don't like it when they tease me for something they know I like and no one teases them for what they like. I cant I don't trust anyone and I wish I was normal but of course everything is a joke in my life. I cant Even figure out if I like girls or maybe it is just a "you'll find a nice boy soon" situation.I wish I was normal and like the other girls I know. I wish I was a boy and a girl and nothing. I don't want to be anything and I hope to a god that I mean nothing to people so if I die one day they won't be all depressed. I want attention but when I get it I don't want it. My head hurts. I wish that I am able to normally express my feelings like the other people can. why does everyone have to hide everything from me or leave me out except for my new and online friends? I am genuinley such a horrible person. I want to be normal and I want people to treat me superior once in a while. I want control of everyone and I want them to do what I want them to. If I fail school I fail life. I hate everybody and I don't want to go outside I wish someone would kill me so people won't like bombard my grave with "suicide isn't the answer " but instead with the fact that I'll never amount to anything good or worthy enough. someone please kiss me and hold me and tell me you'd never leave me or date me cause you feel bad or date me cause you want to do weird things with me and just like me for me. I don't understand if I like someone or not or if it's platonic but I want someone to like actually like what I like and not make fun of me constantly (I find the making fun of me constantly ok with online friends as long as it's a joke) I want someone who will cut me and then kiss me after.
