My Imaginary Angel

The Start of Our Story

"Mommy, mommy! Look at me, look at me! I'm doing it! I'm really doing it! I'm riding a bike by myself!" I squealed with joy.

"Oh my goodness, Duckie! That's it! It's official, you're a big girl!" my mother gushed as she watched me ride my My Little Pony bicycle around our driveway with my matching elbow pads and helmet.

I was so proud, riding around like a big kid, that I totally took that moment for granted. I didn't take in the amazing weather we were blessed with that day. I didn't appreciate the love my mother had for me in that moment when she saw me growing up right in front of her.

That's what I most regret, not noticing the love that seemed to swell in my mom's eyes as she watched me play and enjoy life. Not living in the moment where I had both parents and both parents loved me back. Not realizing that I had everything that I could have ever wanted in that moment.

This is the memory that popped into my head during my mother's funeral.

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The morning of the funeral is when he really began to come around little by little, I just didn't know it was him. I awoke with a beating heart and a tear stained face, crying out for my mother. I thought that I dreamed that she died and any moment she would come running into my room to comfort me and tell me it was all just a bad dream. But she didn't, so I sat there sniffling on my bed begging God to send someone to help me because i didn't like being alone. Since the day she died, I begged God to send her back to love and care for me or at least to send me someone else who would care for me. Finally, I began trying to calm down before my father heard me.

Ever since my mom died, he went crazy with grief. He either stood out all night drinking or he'd be home all day drinking and throwing what ever was closest to him. He went over the edge. I questioned his sanity a lot. I also questioned whether he loved me anymore due to how much he hurt me after her death. Thanks to his outbursts, I have to wear a long sleeved, black dress today. Which sucked very much since it was very hot that day.

So as soon as I calmed my breathing down, I got out of bed and went to take a shower. As I crept out of my room to the bathroom, I should've noticed the first sign that he was there watching me. When I passed my father's room I saw that his door was closed, which was odd since he always keeps it open so he can see everything that happens. Ignoring this, I went to the bathroom and took a long cold shower to wake me up fully from that horrid nightmare.

Once I finished my shower I wrapped my towel around my body and walked out into the hallway, which is when I should've been aware of the second clue of his presence. You should know now that I was/am the biggest klutz there ever was. You'd think the floor and I were best friends from the way I constantly seem to hang out with it. It's like I don't know personal space. Anyway, my klutz skills go from falling to tripping to just plain old bad things always happening to me.

As I walked down the hallway I was preoccupied with how I was going to make it through today without falling apart, that I subconsciously just walked towards my room without really realizing it. Then all of a sudden I felt like someone pulled me back before I took another step forward. I looked around to see if it was my father trying to get my attention or something. So when i didn't see anyone i just shrugged it off and I was about to keep walking when something made me stop and look down in front of my feet.

I wasn't sure at the time what made me stop and look down, but boy was i glad because about less than half a foot away from my feet was a burning cigarette dying out. Had i taken another step i would have stepped right on it. I don't know how i missed it on my way to the bathroom, but I was glad to have realized it was there before i got seriously hurt.