Remember Me

8

I never asked for much, not really.

All I ever wanted was for someone to notice me. To notice the pieces of myself that were slipping away, bit by bit, before I disappeared altogether.

To see me, really see my pain, and recognize that behind every smile, behind every "I'm fine," I was screaming for something—anything—to save me. I wanted someone to see that I was searching, that I was fighting, even when it didn't look like it.

I needed someone to trust me, to believe that I was trying as hard as I could, even when it seemed like I was giving up. To understand that every day felt like a battle I was losing, but I kept showing up, hoping that maybe tomorrow would be different.

And when I fade away, when I'm gone, I need you to remember me. Remember the person I was before the darkness took over. Remember that I wasn't always this lost, that there were moments when I was still full of life, of hope. I need you to hold onto those memories, the ones where I was still here, still fighting, even when it felt like I was slipping further and further away.

Zane always noticed when something was wrong—he could see it in my eyes, the way my smile didn't reach as far as it used to, the way I started pulling away.

He'd ask, "You okay, man?" and I'd lie through my teeth, tell him I was fine, that I just needed some sleep. And he'd believe me.

But how could he notice the things I couldn't even see in myself?

The same was true for Gavin and O. They'd try to pull me in, invite me to game nights, make jokes, keep me close. They noticed when I started showing up less, when I stopped laughing at the things that used to crack me up. They noticed the distance, but they couldn't see the depth of the darkness that had already taken root inside me.

The truth is, I didn't even notice it at first. Not really. I didn't see the way the colours started draining from my world until it was too late, until the blues became black and the quiet became deafening.

By the time I realized what was happening, it felt like there was nothing left to save. Maybe they noticed what they could, but how do you notice something that's invisible? How do you notice a soul unraveling, when even the person inside that body can't see it coming?

It wasn't their fault. Zane tried. They all did. But they could only see what was on the surface, and by then, the real me was already buried too deep.

I can feel the end now, closer than ever. It's not cold, like I thought it would be. It's soft, like falling asleep, like the moments just before dawn when everything is quiet. Maybe this is what I've been searching for—the quiet. The stillness. A way to stop fighting the waves that have been pulling me under for so long.

I think of Zane first. Always Zane. He was the light, wasn't he? The one who shone so brightly I could barely stand to look at him sometimes.

He'll ask himself a million questions, replay every conversation, every laugh, every silence between us, wondering what he missed. He'll wonder why he couldn't pull me back. But the truth is, Zane, you saw me—you always did. You saw every crack, every tear in the mask I wore. You just didn't know how to fix what was already broken. I didn't want to be fixed. I just wanted someone to see me. And you did. You always did.

Do you remember that last road trip? The lake we found, hidden from the world, the sun casting gold across the water like it was painting something sacred just for us? I stood there, laughing, telling you, "I told you it'd be worth it."

And it was. But I was already too far gone. I wish I could've told you then. I wish I had the words. But even if I did, they wouldn't have been enough.

You were everything I wasn't, Zane. You were the love for life that I lost. And I hope you'll remember me, not for the way I left, but for the way we lived before the darkness took hold.