Cedar and Finn

Chapter 11

"What about these ones?" Vega asked Cedar as the two looked through masculine swimsuits, holding up a pair of red ones with stripes across them. Cedar frowned and shook their head. The friends decided they were going to go to the beach and Cedar didn't have any swimwear.

They never had an interest going to the pool or the beach, so they never owned any since they transitioned. But when being put in a situation that would allow them to go to the beach with Finn and see him in a swimsuit, they weren't going to pass up the opportunity. No matter how much they despised sand.

"Come on Cedar, you have to pick one. Don't you want to show off for Finn?" Vega said, nudging her friend teasingly, causing them to blush a bit.

"Vega, I'm really nothing special to look at. I mean, the tattoos are cool and all, but I won't be getting any attention for my body. I'm kinda repulsive," Cedar said, looking at themself in the mirror beside the clothing rack. They knew they were way too skinny, barely packed any muscle. It was hard to maintain it when eating wasn't a priority. Plus when they weren't wearing any clothes, they could see every feminine dysphoria trigger they had, including their wider than average hips for someone who was masculine.

Cedar wasn't specifically a male-aligning nonbinary identity and they didn't particularly care about being masculine. They only hated being perceived as feminine. Going shirtless in only a pair of swim trunks was new territory. They didn't care about people seeing, but when people started perceiving them, that was when they started becoming insecure. Looking for more than a few seconds, or only being casually showing skin didn't bother them. Staying almost completely nude for hours on end around more attractive people did freak them out.

"Cedar, you're not repulsive. There's nothing wrong with you and I'm certain many people would find you attractive," Vega said, walking up to them, seeing how they eyed themself. The hatred they had for themself was so apparent. "I mean, I thought you were hot when I first saw you. But you know, you're only into guys and I mean, now I see you more like a sibling, so it doesn't matter anymore."

The way Cedar looked at Vega when she called them hot looked as if she had grown a second head. "You thought I was hot? There's no way you actually thought that! I mean, I've only been told how disgusting I am. Comments about how my body is disgusting, that I'd give someone a disease just by looking at my body for too long. How repulsive I am. You didn't think I was hot."

Pain shot through Vega as she realized how vile the things they had been told in the past were. How could someone use words like repulsive and disgusting to describe another person? "Cedar, despite what all of your idiots told you, you're hot. You are an attractive person. I mean, you've got great features, and your style enhances you. I don't know how you looked before you got the tattoos and piercings, but Cedar, they look good on you. I'm honestly shocked more people aren't trying to date you."

Cedar looked between the mirror and Vega as she described them, attempting to see what she was telling them. How could that be true? They knew that if they saw someone like them, they'd be attracted to them. But there had to be something wrong with them specifically to cause people to talk about them and their body the way they did. "Sometimes people choose someone who isn't the norm and targets them. No matter how objective attractive they are, how amazing of a person they are, it won't change it, because they label them as weird. It's not you Cedar, I promise."

Hard to believe those words when only the opposite had ever been said, but it was nice to hear.

While Vega and Rowan were setting out the spot they had claimed in the sand, Cedar was already drenching themself in sunscreen to protect their tattoos. They didn't want all of that money going to waste because they didn't protect them the first time they went into the sun.