Raso's Little Sister

International Break Part 4

3rd of December 2018

It was our off day which we got after every game day. The only exception was to attend recovery in the morning and then you had the whole day to yourself. Not me, I had analysis with the devil, but it was ok because the day after game day was when we actually did real analysis, any other 'analysis' was just an excuse for him to be alone with me. 

After we finished watching all of our games for the millionth time this break, we moved onto America's games, we were into our second game when I noticed her, the girl from San Diego Wave. The one who made me fall, the one who I lashed out on, and the girl who started all of my problems, all of my self doubt.

8th of December 2018

Training this week had been tough, tougher than I had ever had before. Our coach was clearly on edge, he was yelling at any little issue at training, he was expecting perfection from a group of girls that were all still distracted. It had been annoying me too, ever since I decided not to think about it, all of my problems with her in head had gone away, and now that they had I was fully focused. 

I don't get why the others couldn't just do the same, why they were all impacting the team's performance because they are trying so hard to win for her. I know I shouldn't feel this way and that i should be sad, but i wasn't, I wasn't because the only other thing I could think about is what he would do to me if my performance wasn't perfect, if I wasn't perfect.

I feel like I'm loosing it, like I'm loosing myself, or that I already have and I'm just clinging onto one small part of who I was before. It was clear to everyone who knew me that I wasn't the same, that I wasn't me, especially Hayley, I had never yelled at her like I did last week. 

I always thought aggressive and angry people were disrespectful, I didn't get why they couldn't just be nice. But now I get it, because i am an angry person now, the smiling happy face that used to greet people walking passed me down the hallway was gone. Replaced with a stone cold resting bitch face, and an emotionless, feeling less brain to go with it.

That day I was punished hard after training once every left. He made me run laps because when I was forced to help pack up the equipment, he said something that I can't even remember. All I know is that it pissed me off, so I talked back, "Can you just shut up". I don't know what I was thinking but I definitely was expecting him to punch me in the stomach. 

I stood there in shock gripping my arms around my stomach, he gave me 2 options. "You listen here you slut, you can either run laps until I decide you can stop, or you can help me relax from the stress you headless chickens are giving me right now. And if you ever talk back to me again, you will get a lot more than a punch to the stomach." I was frozen again, I felt so weak, like there was nothing I could do to stop him, or protect myself. 

"So what's it going to be." I thought about it, not very hard but I thought about it. Running laps would mean it would be harder tomorrow, but option 2 made me feel sick, and it would give him the satisfaction he wanted. "The first one." He just looked at me straight in the eyes. "What a surprise, you better get running we might be here for a while. Don't stop until I say you can stop." So I didn't. He made me run for an hour and a half, and by the time I was finished the sun was setting behind me and it was time for dinner.

9th of December 2018

Today was game day, if I'm being honest, I was conflicted on if I wanted to win or not. If we won, I was stuck with him, and here for another week, but if we lost then we are out and we come home with nothing. 

As we walked out of the tunnel, I quickly realised there were 10 times the amount of spectators watching compared to last week, and then I looked over and saw the entire Matilda's squad, including Hayley watching. I was walking over to do the coin toss, when I saw her, the same fucking girl I hated. She had this big smirk plastered on her face when she say me, but I gave her nothing, not intentionally, but I guess that's just how I am now.