Raso's Little Sister

In My Head

3rd of August 2019

Since my call last night with Barca, I've been all in my head and it's hard because normally I would talk to Hayley or Ellie or Kelli about decisions like this. But it's reminding me how alone I really am now and how much I still need to learn. Not to mention my agent is flying over from Australia in 2 weeks to go over all the contract details even though I insisted I didn't want to talk about it until January or late December. 

I was distracted even though today of all days of the week is the worst day to be distracted. I have to focus first on my 2 local teams games and then focus on the game against San Diego Wave.

My younger team lost their first game this morning, only by 1 but they still lost. My older team won by 3 and were very excited about coming to the game tonight. They made me all promise to let them on the pitch and get all the girls signatures like I did with my younger team. 

When I made it to the team coach I realised I forgot my shin pads. I had to get one of the staff to open up the training grounds so I could get my training pair from my locker. I was already embarrassed, but now I made us late.

We only got to the stadium 10 minutes late, but we still did a quick pitch inspection and then headed inside to get into our warm up gear. This game was actually a rotation game for us so I wasn't starting because Mark wanted to let some of the other girls get half a game in and then I would go on after half time.Games against San Diego are always very physical so I wasn't surprised when they had 3 yellow cards before half time. 

Not that I really saw because I kept zoning out on the bench. I don't know how to explain what was going on in my head, but it was like everything was foggy and none of my thoughts were clear. I was trying to focus on the game or focus on my thoughts but everything was so cloudy that nothing was clear.

At half time I did a quick warm up on the pitch before heading into the change rooms to hear the rest of the tactics Mark was giving out. Then when we headed out, we did another quick warm up and headed to our starting positions. We had some work to do because we were drawn at 2-2.

The good thing about these physical games is that I never get the worst of it. I think it's because they underestimate me or they feel bad about being pushy because I'm young. But it works for me because the worst I've gotten from physical games is some bruising.

The second half stayed scoreless until the 82nd minute when we got a penalty near the box because of a challenge on Christine. We were all set up in the box, like we practiced in training. When the ball was released, it was coming in me and Lindsey's direction. Normally Lindsey jumps for them but I saw she wouldn't reach, so I went up too.

I felt the impact of the ball hitting the top of my head and the pressure release as the ball made its way towards the net. Just before the ball went in for a clear goal, Caitlin took an unnecessary touch to make the goal her own. I was a little pissed off but I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt because maybe from her view it didn't look like it was going in.

The game ended 3-2 to us and we started our victory lap. I was looking for my team in the crowd, and I saw them on the opposite side to the bench. I went up and they started yelling at me in excitement. I lifted them over the barrier and we made our way around the girls getting signatures and photos before I took them back to their parents.

4th of August 2019

Today was recovery and then everyone else got the day off, but I had tutoring and a physio appointment because I had told them about how my legs felt stiff. All the girls were chatting in their groups in the ice baths, me and the younger girls were talking about what we were going to do in our 3 week break in a month. 

I didn't have any plans, but what can I actually do. I'll probably hang out with some of my friends from the academy team and some friends I made while I went to school during my time at the academy. I had been meaning to hang out with them so I'll probably do that. All the other girls are travelling to all different places.

That made me realise all the things I'll miss out on with football. I'll miss out on actual school, a childhood, friends my age, my family, privacy, rest. Since I joined the first team, I haven't had a break, during the breaks I either had camp or physio appointments that were pretty much gym sessions.

After all the girls left, I made my way to my tutoring room and we did about 4 hours of math, science, English and economics. It's really hard to keep up sometimes because my mind is so busy keeping tactics, making decisions, trying to keep my eating up, trying to stop myself from cutting, trying not to think about my family, my friends, Macey, my Australian coach. 

Not to mention I'm tired, my mind is tired, my body is tired and everything hurts. I know this isn't an excuse, but I'm only 15 and nothing could have prepared my body to be working this hard. I just feel like the composure I've been holding this entire season is about to come crashing down because I don't know how much longer I can do this for.

I'm starting to think that maybe I should have just quit. After the World Cup when Macey died and I kept telling myself that quitting football was the best option. Maybe I should have quit. Maybe when my contract ends, I should just go back to Australia, go back to school and be normal.

I know I can't do that. I already told Hayley I wanted nothing to do with them. I told the Norwegian coach that if he called me up I would take it. I told multiple clubs I was interested in their offer. So there is no way for me to just quit witching having to deal with criticism from my family and questions from the media.