The Beached Whale

A Blood Tasting at the Masquerade Ball

I flew over the city, keeping a watchful eye on the streets below. I knew what I was looking for, but not what it would look like.

I saw it. Something that stuck out.

Down below, a large metal carriage pulled up to a building. It moved on four wheels. Perhaps it was propelled in a similar fashion to the boat I arrived in.

I saw a well dressed vampire in a fine suit carrying a mask. He wobbled into the carriage, which immediately sunk several inches lower. This vampire was rather large. He must have been feeding more than his share, which likely made him a pariah. The vampire yelled at his chauffeur.

Though I am unfamiliar with the mechanisms that move such a machine, I could ascertain its weak spot: the wheels. High above the streets, I broke off a metal rod covering one of the windows. I pinched the metal like a vice grip and fashioned the end into a point. I now had a practice dart.

I whipped the makeshift dart at the carriage's wheel, and to my surprise the wheel exploded as if filled with gas. This seemed to me a fundamental weakness for a wheel to have. To be full of air? A small hole would completely disable it!

The chauffeur got out to examine the wheel. I could hear the vampire in the carriage yelling, "Get the spare! And make it fast! We're going to be late!"

I flew down to the carriage and entered while the chauffeur was distracted.

"Who the hell are you? Get out of my limo!" the crass vampire said.

"You will do me the courtesy of removing all your clothes."

If vampires could have blushed, he would have.

"Aren't you a saucy one? Come to ravage me before the ball?"

"Strip."

I couldn't believe it. He began removing all his clothes. Even did some manner of odd dance as he did it.

I believe he thought I was seducing him.

Once they were all off, he said to me, "Well go on. Don't keep me waiting."

"I'm not trying to fornicate with you. I'm married."

"Excuse me? Why the hell did I take my clothes off then?"

"I didn't want to get blood on them."

I threw a dart right into his forehead. It stuck out of his skull as it released my blood into his brain.

I grabbed the clothes and burst out of the car. I waited. Now that I thought about it, I hadn't properly tested the darts. I had taken the vampire slayer's word on everything. There was a chance that this weapon wouldn't work.

Inside the car, the vampire didn't move. He just began to wail. It was a horrible song, like a mother whale crying for her lost child.

The vampire burst like a ripe berry. He exploded into blood and smoldering ash.

The darts worked alright. Exceptionally.

I went to the chauffeur. His vampire was dead and the spell on him was gone. But I couldn't let him free just yet.

I looked in his eyes and hypnotized him. "You're doing that all wrong," I said. "You're supposed to be taking the wheels off."

"Oh dammit. I messed up didn't I?"

"That's alright. You take them off now. I know you'll do a great job."

"Gee, thanks!"

Once he was preoccupied, I flew up to the top of the closest building and changed into my newfound attire. The clothes didn't fit. They were noticeably baggy, but they would have to do.