No Broken-hearted girl (Crushing Hard Series Book 2)

Dear Diary:21/09/2013

Saturday Afternoon.

I did a terrible thing. A completely, totally, utterly disastrous thing.

Okay, maybe not "burn-the-whole-world-down" disastrous, but you get the point.

The thing is, I’ve been avoiding this for a while. Like, if “avoidance” were an Olympic sport, I’d have a shiny gold medal hanging around my neck. But I can’t outrun the truth forever, can I? Not when I have to look at myself in the mirror everyday. Not when I know that somewhere out there is Cassandra, probably not thinking about me, but definitely feeling the ghost of what I did to her.

I mean, what did I even expect? To throw a whole grenade into her relationship with Scott, walk away, and then… what? Never look back? As if I hadn’t just left a smoking crater behind me? No, no. That’s not how this works. That’s not how any of this works.

So now, after months of sidestepping it like it’s a rogue pothole on a rainy street, I’m finally owning up to what I did. And to do that… I have to face Cassandra.

Here’s the truth: I didn’t just “play a part” in ending her relationship with Scott. Oh, no. I was practically directing the scene. Maybe I didn’t mean for things to spiral like they did, but intentions don’t erase the aftermath. I knew what I was doing. They were happy, or whatever before I stored through their relationship like an emotional wrecking ball with lipstick.

And if I’m being really honest—like brutally, painfully honest—there was a part of me that wanted it to fall apart. Not because I didn’t like Cassandra. No, she was... fine. Lovely, even, in that "perfect girlfriend" way that made me want to throw up a little. But Scott and I had  that thing, you know? The kind of thing that makes you feel like you’re both actors in some star-crossed love story, even if it’s all in your head.

But here’s the kicker, Diary: it wasn’t just in my head. It happened. It was real.

And now, I’m real enough to admit that I was selfish. I let my feelings for Scott blind me to everything. And Cassandra? She didn’t deserve any of that. She didn’t deserve to be the collateral damage of my unresolved feelings and Scott’s indecision.

So, tomorrow, I’m going to call her. Or maybe text—baby steps. I’m going to ask her to meet up and then actually apologize. Not one of those "Hey, sorry, but you know how it is" non-apologies. No. I’m going to take responsibility for my part.

And if she wants to throw her coffee in my face? Well, I probably deserve it.

But at least I’ll finally be able to look in the mirror and know that I faced this head-on. That I didn’t let my guilt fester and grow into something ugly.

So wish me luck, Diary. Tomorrow I’m confronting the mess I made—Cassandra, my emotional baggage, the whole shebang.

And if she doesn’t forgive me? Well, I’ll live. But at least I’ll have finally spoken the truth.

Because, as dramatic as I am, I’m done running from the past. It's time to turn the page. Literally. And figuratively.