Bts sickfics/hurtfics/oneshots

⛓️💕Jimin - Control

Requested by   Lilyssoulmatee

"Jimin! This is your outfit for the airport."

"You've got a photo shoot at 6 am, then dance at 12, recording at 3 pm, a concept meeting at 5 and a company dinner at 7. You're getting the steak with peppersaus and your suit for the dinner will be in the changing rooms next to Yoongi's studio."

They should be collaborating with Halsey. @ Jiminsthickthighs

They're Korean, they should sing in Korean. @  ___

"Hey Jimin, this is the concept, story, style and vibe you'll have to stick to for this solo. It's what the fans want."

Jimin this, Jimin that I feel like I have no control anymore over my own life. I have no control over anything I do anymore. Not over my schedule, not my clothes, my music, what I say. It's all decided for me and God forbid I have an opinion about it. 

"Yah Jimin-ah, we're going for dinner! You comming?" Kook yells from the door of the practice room. "You guys go, I'm not that hungry." "You sure, practice was exhausting!" I just nod in response keeping my gaze on the floor.

"Jiminie, you want ice cream?" I look up at Joon-hyung, hesitating for a second. "No, I'm good."

A little voice always tells me when to eat, what to eat, how to eat it. I have to keep my control over my food. Otherwise what control do I have? It wasn't this bad before, but I need control. It's the only thing I have a say about. That's what that voice says. And it's right. So I don't join the others often when they go to get food. And when I do, I just play with my food. If they ask anything, I'm not hungry or not feeling well or I've already eaten or I'm just so knackered that I want to get to bed immediately.

"Jimin, try to keep your moves a little tighter for this choreo."

"Jimin-ah, you need to train your voice more!"

"Jimin ssi, work out a bit more, the fans like the muscles and the thick thighs."

"You should really slim down a bit."

"Jimin, get your leg higher!"

"Jimin, stronger!"

"Bigger, Jimin!

"Jimin, stop stumbling!"

"Jimin, you have to practice that part more.

"Jimin!"

"Jimin!!!"

"JIMIN!!!!!!"

My hands tremble as I stand in the middle of the practice room, my head down and my eyes closed. Dead to the world at this point. I don't hear anything but that little voice. I'm always doing something wrong. Always Jimin this, Jimin that. Honestly the other members also get critisism, so why does it bother me so much and not them? Why am I so weak? Why am I such a baby?

My chest feels tight as I try to breath and my heart hurts. Like, physically hurts. And my head hurts and my stomach churns. My legs feel so weak.

I really need to practice more. Jungkook's voice has improved so much with all the different songs he did for his album, Hobi-hyung also tried some new things for his album and I haven't improved one bit. And apparently I'm behind on dance too because otherwise the choreographer wouldn't have so much to say about me. But he does and that means I need to improve. 

God, I want that razor right now, just so I can feel numb. I know it's bad but I relapsed a few weeks ago and then again last week and I honestly want to again because I can't take this anymore.

"You should really slim down a bit."

"Jimin, get your leg higher!"

"Jimin, stronger!"

"Bigger, Jimin!

"Jimin, stop stumbling!"

"Jimin, you have to practice that part more.

"Jimin!"

"Jiminie," a honey sweet voice, a whisper, deep, Yoongi hyung...

"Jiminie," again Yoongi. 

"Jiminie~, can you let your arm go for me?" What? Arm? My arm, it hurts, it stings but it makes me feel numb, feel better. But it stings. 

It's my nails. They're digging into my arm and I hadn't even noticed. They're scratching into my skin, right next to the other shallow cuts that reside there. 

"Jimin-ah, sweet little mochi, can you let your arm go for hyung?" 

"Hmmm," I humm and slowly loosen my grip. I feel a warm hand hold my now unoccupied one and a thumb caress the back of it. 

"Can you look at hyung? Can I see those pretty eyes?" I slowly cracky my eyes open as a thumb wipes my cheek. Only now do I notice it's wet.

"Take a deep breath for me." I look into the dark eyes infront of me. They look soft, kind, warm. My breathing is the opposite, it's harsh short and i feel cold. "I can't," I gasp out. He brings my hand up to his chest and I can feel it slowly rise and fall under my fingers. "You can Jiminie. Come on, you can do it," Joonie hyung whispers into my ear. I close my eyes again and feel Yoongi's breathing his heartbeat. In and out, in and out, in and out.

"That's it, you're doing great. A little bit more." That's kookie, althought he's standing a little further away but I can hear his voice clearly, but it's still soft and warm, a comforting whisper.

"Come on, let's sit down for a bit," Jin says when I've calmed down enough. Yoongi and Namjoon pull me down into the circle that is being formed on the floor. Suddenly I'm being lifted slightly, only to land in Hoseok's lap with his arms tight around me, my arms trapped, pressed against my chest. He pulls me tight against him but it doesn't feel suffocating, it feels comforting. Just the right amount of pressure. 

"Jiminie, we just want to talk for a little bit, but you did nothing wrong, we're just a bit worried about you." 

I suddenly think about the choreographer and the staff, did they see al that? Are they still here? Are they- "Mochi, stay with us here. You're okay, we're alone," Hobi whispers into my ear.

Namjoon is the first to speak up when I'm focused again. "We've noticed that you haven't been eating a lot lately, definitely not in front of us. And obviously you've relapsed. Can you tell us how you've been feeling?" "I just... I've just been feeling overwhelmed lately and like there is so much of my own life that is out of my control. And... And I..." "And food is something you can control." Jin finishes when I can't find the words. I give a small nod, looking down. "There's this voice that tells what, when and how to eat and I can't fight it and it's just so exhausting. And then the critisism, it just hurts, it physically hurts. And I just want to feel numb sometimes." I fall silent, but keep my eyes on the ground. Hobi squeezes me a little tighter; "There's no shame in relapsing when things get difficult, that's normal. But maybe it's time you talk to someone about these kind of things? Someone that knows how to help you. 'Cause we want to, we really do. But we don't always know what we should do," Yoongi says. "And if you don't feel well and there's something that you think could help, just tell us. I think communicating is the most important when it comes to mental health." Taehyung adds softly. I take a minute to think it over and then nod. "I-... I could talk to someone, I do want to feel better, I just don't know how sometimes." They all smile at me sweetly and I melt into hyung's arms. "Good, we'll start looking. In the meantime, is there something we can do for you that would help?" Hoseok asks. I hesitate but then, "can we all stay at the dorms tonight? I mean, you don't have to bu-" "You don't have to explain, we'll stay at the dorm for as long as you need us close. Even if that is forever," Kookie says. Then he stands up and walks over to me and Hobi. "Now come on, I need my Mochi cuddles and I need them very soon!" He yells as he throws me over his shoulder and walks towards the door, the other members giggling but scrambling to get all the bags and catch up.

1361 words

10.10.2024